[00:00:00] Hello, fabulous. Dr. Stephanie Feiner with weight loss for fertility. And I was talking to a client who is gonna be going into the two week wait pretty soon with her gestational carrier. It's very exciting and also nerve wracking as we can all imagine, especially all of us here. There's so many times when there's waiting, right?
[00:00:26] There's. Two week weights. There's transfer weights, there's genetic testing, weights there is waiting for the next period. There is, there is so many weights. And this isn't only about that kind of waiting because what we're talking about is emotional times, times when we know it will be emotional. So that can mean a baby shower.
[00:00:52] That can mean a move. That can mean a layoff. That can mean a promotion. That could mean something going on with your spouse. It could mean good things and it could be more challenging things, but we're talking about ones when we know we can anticipate that they're going to be emotional.
[00:01:13] And it came up, of course, with this client when we were talking about emotional eating. She was concerned that that would be, what would happen is that there would be emotional eating, and that's where the idea of proactive comfort was discussed. It's a really important point when we're so used to dealing with our emotions.
[00:01:37] Mostly the uncomfortable ones, but sometimes the happy ones. With food when we have a particularly challenging, you know intense emotional time. Our brain can really easily go there, right? That food is the answer I need Oreos like that, like the brain just goes there. But when we're losing weight, the weight loss for fertility way, then we're becoming really aware of our hunger cues.
[00:02:05] We know when we're physically hungry and when we're satisfied, and we can tell when we're not physically hungry, but our brain is asking for food. That's a clue that it's emotional eating. We won't know this every single time, but we get more information by learning our physical hunger cues, and then whenever our brain is asking for food besides that, we know something else is going on.
[00:02:32] If we know we're in an emotional time or a challenging time, then we can put two and two together and we can know that. Our brain is offering us that Oreos sound like a really good idea right now because we are anxious or sad or disappointed or worried when we know that we can handle the emotion more directly.
[00:03:01] And that's what we want. That's how we're gonna change emotional eating into handling difficult emotions. And when we handle emotions, we don't eat over them. The only time we eat is when we're hungry. We can eat any food we want, but we only eat it when we're hungry. We stop when we're satisfied because the only feeling we ever feed is hunger.
[00:03:27] That was the design. We have changed it by comforting ourselves when we're having an emotion, disappointment, worry. With food, but that only helps temporarily as we well know, 'cause we've been there a bazillion times. It helps for 10 minutes, maybe five, depending on how fast we eat. And then we can feel guilty, we can feel physically stuffed.
[00:03:53] If it was, you know. Let's say a lot of sugar, we can now have physical feelings from having a big bolus of sugar. There's so many negative consequences that come from overeating due to emotion when we're becoming aware of it, no longer makes sense.
[00:04:10] And the more permanent and more direct way to handle difficult emotions instead of with food is directly and. That's through processing the feeling and then also distraction can work really well. So those are the two components that I think really well, particularly when we're having a challenging time, like a two week wait that's 10 days, two weeks, however long that it is, that's a long time that it's sitting there.
[00:04:38] Sort of cross-legged processing feelings is probably not something that's gonna happen. So it's important to learn how to process feelings, but that's not. Always gonna be the only answer and distracting or doing other things is gonna be part of it.
[00:04:57] The idea of proactive comfort is setting yourself up for success when you're going through a challenging time. So with proactive comfort, we're solving for emotional eating specifically during a time that's particularly stressful. And right now we're talking about a time that we know is coming. So when you know you'll be going through a challenging time, you can give yourself a fighting chance of not eating everything in sight.
[00:05:23] And the way we do that is by planning for it. So we're gonna take advantage of the fact that we have a heads up of the fact that we know it's coming. 'cause that's not always the case. Right? But that's what we're gonna talk about this time. We know when the transfer is. We know when we're waiting to match with a surrogate.
[00:05:42] We know when the testing is so we can know, and this is actually a very big part, we can really. Believe and understand that it will be a challenging time. So sometimes what we'll do is sort of pretend everything is fine. Pretend everything is normal. We just took a day off for the, retrieval a couple days.
[00:06:09] We're going back to work. It's so important that we treat ourselves kindly here, that we assume rightly 'cause we're humans, that we will be tender. Emotionally during this time, all the physical stuff will be cared for by your doctor and team, and of course, listen to everything they say. I'm talking about the emotional tenderness that's gonna happen in this time.
[00:06:36] It's so important that we accept that we will be tender emotionally during this time. That's the first most important step. Accept. Because if we do, we can then plan, we can do things that will help us. If we pretend we're not gonna have emotions during that time, then we're fighting against resistance and that's when we can really end up eating to cope.
[00:07:07] So accepting that we're gonna have feelings and then we're gonna practice dealing with feelings without food. And the way we do that is, we've talked about it here a bunch of times, is we're gonna experiment, right? So first we're gonna plan for time for processing the emotions. And what I mean by that is rest or sort of clearing the decks.
[00:07:33] So we're not gonna plan you. Every night going out. I mean, look, if that feels comforting and amazing to you, then by all means, fantastic. What we're looking for is not to overwhelm yourself and for permission if you need it, which of course, I only hope that you need it from yourself to clear the decks to.
[00:08:00] Not go out at all to stay home if that's your comfortable place, if you just wanna curl up, if you wanna watch tv, if you want to be in pajamas, if you, you know, whatever it is, not asking more of yourself then is absolutely necessary. The bare minimum, if you are going to work doing the least amount you can at work and.
[00:08:28] Anything else that feels at all challenging, save it for another time. So planning for lots of rest more than you think. You're gonna need plan for that. Things are gonna take longer to get done. So things that take you no time at all. It may be harder to get through because you're distracted, you're feeling you're having feelings, you're.
[00:08:56] They can. It can feel inconvenient when you're trying to do something and all of a sudden an emotion sort of overwhelms you. A thought comes in and it's challenging. We want to pad this time with extra time so that if it feels overwhelming, if you have a thought that sort of gets you spinning a little bit, that you have time to be kind to yourself and handle it, because shoving it down is only.
[00:09:24] Procrastinating delaying. What's inevitable. Now, again, sometimes that will be necessary. You'll be in the middle of a meeting. Now, certainly you can excuse yourself, but you know what I'm talking about. If you're in the middle of a meeting, that's not the time, but also that's, you're not about to shove a donut in your face either if you're like in the middle of a meeting.
[00:09:43] So. You'll do what you need to do, and then you're gonna know that you have built in time comfort into the day so that you can handle it when you leave the meeting. So as much time as you can. And then, and this is part of the planning, right? So you're gonna plan. For rest, you're gonna plan for lots of time things taking more time, and you're going to get what you need ahead of time.
[00:10:17] So you're going to. Make some guesses. They could be educated guesses about what you would need to be comfortable in those, in the emotional time. And then you'll ask for it if you need to get that from other people, or you'll get it for yourself, whatever that is. If it's nutritious foods that are already made, if it's, you know, you have the water that you need, you have your slippers, you have, you know.
[00:10:44] All the pajamas cleaned already. You know, the blankets that you love are ready to go. Anything like that, that you need, if you know you're gonna need more hugs, you can warn your people that you're gonna need more hugs. You can line up people to talk with if they're comforting, like, you know, people across the country that you can plan a time that you're gonna wanna talk with them.
[00:11:06] And also then plan for your distractions. The distractions are interesting because of course we're talking about distracting from the feeling. It doesn't have to be exactly that. You can still be feeling the feelings and also your brain can be doing something it enjoys, so. Having the things you need on hand.
[00:11:30] Soft clothing, if you like, crafts. Have the supplies you need there. TV programs already in queue or a list of ones that you already know. Friends to call puzzles. Books. Easy movement. Plan for easy movement. If you've just had a retrieval, then you're not gonna be doing exercise. You're gonna be listening to whatever your reproductive endocrinologist has to say about that.
[00:11:50] But if you can, there might be movements that you enjoy, like a walk outside or go to the beach or, you know, any of those sorts of things. Planning things that bring you comfort is what we're looking for. Kind, easy things. Again, unless you love loud, busy. If that feels good to you, then that's something to plan for.
[00:12:19] The point of all this is planning for it is knowing yourself, accepting there'll be more emotions and planning for that fact. When we do that, the likelihood of emotional eating, of coping with food goes way down because we're supporting ourself in the ways that matter, that directly impact the emotion.
[00:12:42] Good sleep, nutritious food, non-food treats, like a new journal, new pajamas, new audiobook. We don't always need new things, but sometimes that's really fun. My sweet client, her husband knew that she was working on weight loss and has been doing it for some time and doing really well.
[00:13:03] But the retrieval came and he was desperate to give her something that would be comforting that he remembered. That she liked. Right. And it was ice cream, you know, a pint of ice cream. So sweet. We love the love and to me that was just evidence of him desperately wanting to show love and our connection to that so strongly.
[00:13:29] And when we're in the middle of changing it, it's, you know, there can be a lag time. So. When we know that the challenging time is coming and we know what we need, and we're working on changing, dealing with our emotions with food, we can ask for what we need from our loved ones and we can tell them what would be supportive.
[00:13:54] If you have a deep desire to get me something, honey, a new journal would be amazing or you can just say, I know I'm gonna need a whole bunch of hugs. So if you are thinking I need something, just come over and wrap your arms around me. Asking for what you need help, asking for, recruiting other people in it, and telling them what you're working on and what you're gonna need. Be so helpful.
[00:14:21] It's not something we usually think about and we often just want ourselves to sort of buck up, you know? And really that's what our society tells us in general. So the fact that we learn that is very, very calm and normal, everything. We're working now on being able to incorporate the normal human experience of having emotions during a difficult time.
[00:14:44] I like to think of over planning for this, especially if it's a challenging emotional time. A lot of times we're here talking about IVF stuff, but I'm saying you can do this forever more, you know, with any emotional time that comes up.
[00:15:01] And we talked about lots of rest. Things taking longer, having the supplies you need on hand, asking for what you need, good sleep, nutritious food, non-food treats. These are all really important things that you can plan ahead of time and we have a saying. My husband likes to use this saying, and it makes so much sense, especially when it comes to planning, but we talk about things being like a sweater.
[00:15:28] It's better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it. That's why planning for extra time, if you don't use it, amazing, but you'll likely need it at some point. So planning for it really is helpful. Now, we don't always have warning about when we're gonna have a challenging time. But if we find ourselves in a challenging time, as soon as we realize that we can do all of these things, we can plan, we can cancel things, we can, we can do what we need for comfort.
[00:16:00] And you'll get better and better at this now, hopefully, right? I don't want you to have a million challenging times, but what can happen is we start to notice, we start to get better. This happens like with hunger scale as you're learning your negative two and positive two, they. We start to get more sensitive, more nuanced about what is our negative two and what is our positive two?
[00:16:21] And that can happen here with emotions too. First, we need a lot of time and acceptance and space to recognize the emotion and to feel, feel the emotion, and then feel what our brain wants to do for comfort. And we're retraining it. We're getting it to be comforted by non-food things. Hug, warmth, caring, connection, distraction, fun, all those things too.
[00:16:51] And as it goes on, you'll get better and better at it. And it won't have to be sort of a, such a big emotional challenge, but you'll start to notice your emotions and what you need. Calibrated differently. All through your year, through your month, through the week, you'll start to notice, oh, that's an emotion that needs a friend.
[00:17:18] That's an emotion that needs some quiet time. That's an emotion that is easily taken through my day. You'll get better and better at this and, and it really does uncouple so that your brain no longer says whoop. Disappointed. Better have Oreos. It'll say, whoop, disappointed, better get a hug. It really happens this way, and it happens with our deliberate noticing of our emotions and the deliberate comforting we give ourselves.
[00:17:55] That's not food.
[00:17:56] And the hunger scale really is helpful here, right? Because if you're not hungry, if you're not physically hungry and the brain is asking for food, you know, it's for some other reason than hunger. And if you're in a identified challenging time, you know, even faster. That it's not physical hunger, that something else is going on, that it's emotion.
[00:18:19] It's a clue and a time for you to comfort yourself in a new, more directly effective way. Directly dealing with a disappointment connection really can help loneliness be with people, boredom, you know, do a puzzle. But when we're talking about it, like an emotional time, it's usually worry, anxiety, sadness, grieving.
[00:18:44] And those are really helped by kindness and connection.
[00:18:54] We're talking about proactive comfort today. Proactive meaning you're planning for it. And comfort is what we need. We are humans. We need comfort when we're going through something difficult. So we don't just take food away and say, oh, you're on your own. We plan for different things to comfort us,
[00:19:14] so we're establishing a new way of dealing with challenge. With emotionally difficult times, overeating has lost its place in this coping strategy. has too many negative consequences and it takes away from what you really want. Also, it's temporary and the consequences are too great. So you change your emotional eating response. By planning for the comfort, you give yourself time more than you think you'll need. You give yourself acceptance, challenging times, use emotional energy. Nothing's gone wrong with that. So you're accepting the fact that you're gonna have more emotions in this time, and you give yourself new coping strategies.
[00:20:02] Processing the feeling and then distracting as needed. Food is separate from all of this. It's part of your foundation of wellness, like sleep and water. It's the nutrition that supports your body and your energy for the day. And the hunger skill really makes all of this very clear when you're eating to nourish yourself and when you're
[00:20:28] eating for comfort. Uncoupling food from comfort will serve you in so many ways. There will for sure be weight loss, but there will also be strategies, coping mechanisms that you can use forevermore, and then you can teach it to your kids so your kids don't have to uncouple food from comfort. They will already have different comforting.
[00:20:57] Strategies because you're gonna show them how.
[00:21:00] I'm always here to help you with this. I am sending you so much love. If you're interested in losing weight, the weight loss for fertility way, you just reach out to me. I'm at Stephanie Fine MD on Instagram or LinkedIn or the website is stephanie fine md.com. And you can click the lose Weight with me button, and we will be connected.
[00:21:19] And if you have any questions that you want me to answer on this podcast, please send them. You can go to that website, stephanie find md.com, and you can connect with me there. Contact me and send me a question. Sending you so much love and few challenging moments, but lots and lots of comfort. Until next week.
[00:21:41] Mm. Ah.
