Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:00]:
Hello, fabulous. It's Dr. Stephanie Fein here with weight loss for fertility and the saying, with a smile on your face and a song in your heart. That's our topic, actually, for the next two podcasts. With a smile on your face and a song in your heart, it always makes me smile. And you'll know why by the end of the podcast. I've heard this from Judith Gatton. She's a coach, and just the way she says it is so sweet.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:29]:
I just adore it. And I learned so much from her explaining this and just the way she used it. So now every time I think of it, I immediately understand this concept and you will, too. So let's talk about it. It's shorthand for the concept. We can do hard things and it doesn't have to be done perfectly for it to make an impact. A smile on your face in a song in your heart is so much catchier than that. Going to get to it.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:01:01]:
There's an important nuance here about doing hard things, and it doesn't have to be done perfectly to make impact, especially with weight loss. So I always am talking about nuance. I'm sure you've heard that here. It really makes a difference. So I'm going to make sure that we know that we're always doing things in a loving way. But if taken out of context, it can sound. I don't know what I'm saying. Taken out of context, it can sound harsh.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:01:32]:
Or often how we do things is more bullying and meanness. And of course, if you've been around here at any length of time, that is my job to eradicate that out of how we speak to ourselves. So if you ever are thinking that I'm encouraging harshness, then miscommunicated. So that's why I will take the time to make sure that we understand the nuance. The nuance is very important. So let's break this down a little bit. We're going to start with a classic example. Okay, I'm going to use myself.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:02:11]:
I don't remember a specific example where I did this, but I'm sure I did at some point. My kids are in college now. This would have been a long time ago, but asking kids to do their homework or do a chore, like taking out the recycling. Okay, so just asking the kids to do that, what do you imagine? You get some sort of groan or. Oh, do I have to? You may remember being a kid yourself and being asked to do these sorts of chores and knowing you didn't want to do it and but in this example I'm using this idea is when they made the groan or the do I have to? Or dragging their feet, anything like that, I would notice a flash of annoyance. And the idea there is that even if they went to do it dragging their feet slowly or groaning or whatever, I wasn't satisfied with the chore being done. I needed it to be done with joy, which of course is so funny. And this is where that concept of with a smile on your face and a song in your heart that I've asked them to do a chore, they're doing it, but they don't have a smile on their face and a song in their heart.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:03:25]:
And so then I'm annoyed. This is what we're going to be talking about. So it's important to ask why? So why would I be annoyed with that? And here is the real answer. It's to help me manage my feelings. I want them to have a smile on their face when they do homework or take out the recycling so that I can feel a certain way if they're groaning or dragging their feet or whatever. I could feel like a bad parent or a nag or lazy myself, or that I'm demanding. All those are all thoughts that I might have when I hear their groan, their protest. And as a parent and human, I'm conflicted about asking my kids to do something they don't want to do.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:04:24]:
On the one hand, I have very good reasons to remind them to do their homework or their chores. I have a bigger picture in mind, right? I'm creating a productive member society. I'm fostering responsibility. There's so many good reasons why I would ask them to do things. But in the moment, if they're groaning or they don't want to do it, I just want them to like me or love me or see me as good. Now, this is an example, and it's not all the time, but you could imagine this example. I'm annoyed because in the moment I just want them to like me or love me or see me as good. Now, the truth is, I just want me to see me as good.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:05:06]:
And it's harder for me to do that. If they moan and groan, it's emotionally harder for me to see myself as a good parent. In this moment, when my kids are groaning and protesting, it's harder for me to think of myself as a good parent, just emotionally. And if they would just do it without complaint, then all would be well for me emotionally. I wouldn't have to worry about this. I wouldn't have to think about it. I wouldn't have to be uncomfortable. I wouldn't have to think I'm mean or that I'm unloved.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:05:40]:
I wouldn't have to question my beliefs around raising children. I could just go on with my day. So because it's more difficult, I make the complaint wrong that the chore or the homework is being done wrong. Because good children would do what they were told with a smile on their face and a song in their heart. So now even if they do it, I'm unhappy because I was emotionally uncomfortable and I blame them, they're complaining for making me, I'm putting that in air quotes. Feel that way. Isn't that like when we break that down? Isn't that interesting? It's so easy to see a parent get upset at a kid for groaning. And that's what's going on.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:06:25]:
It's that the parent had an emotion that was uncomfortable and it was too uncomfortable to tolerate. And so they can lash out. Now that lashing out is too dramatic. What I mean is in their brain they're upset. Certainly some people do in fact lash out if they ask their kids to do something and they get the kid has an objection. Some parents do get very angry and likely this is a very likely scenario of what's going on in their brain. So this is, you know, unhappy. This is not what we want.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:07:04]:
So what is the alternative? If we go back to the original request, you if I anticipate that my kids will groan when I ask them to do a non preferred activity, by the way, most kids, because I understand what it's like to be a kid, the nature of being a kid, having been in school all day when they groan, if I'm remembering that they're a kid and I understand, I won't make them bad for groaning. And I don't make it mean that I'm a bad mom. I make it mean that they're a normal kid and I am parenting them and parenting is a hard job. And this is precisely why, by the way, emotional management and I have taken my emotions into account already in this alternative scenario I expect a groan. And so when they do, but they still get up and go to get the recycling, I toss all their hairs, they gather the stuff and I give them a star on their star chart or I put point out how impressed I am with how fast they did it or how much they've grown or how strong they're getting. If I do that whole scenario, I don't have any upset. There's nothing wrong, nothing's gone wrong. I expected it grown, they had it.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:08:25]:
I showed them that's not a problem. And they can still do what they need to do. And then I celebrate the fact that they did it and how they did it. I can hold their discomfort. I normalize doing something for the greater good, even when it's easier not to, because certainly we have to do that all the time. And I'm teaching them how to do it, that it's okay, they can groan and the world's not going to come to an end and they can still take out the recycling. I then encourage and praise the behavior. I'm looking to build this behavior and I'm praising it.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:09:07]:
I'm increasing the chances of it happening again. And when there is that praise, it eventually becomes pride. And it feels better to have done it than the temporary discomfort of starting to do it. If we over and over again, we don't make anyone bad for groaning, but they start to see that it's actually a great thing and it does contribute and they get praised for it and all that rest of that stuff, then it becomes less and less difficult to do fewer and fewer groans. This doesn't happen overnight. That's the scenario we're going for. And I gave you this example because it can be easier to see the pattern in something like this external to us. What I want to show you is how we do this to ourselves all the time and how it sabotages us and it prevents us from getting to our goals.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:10:03]:
And it's particularly evident when we're trying new things or trying to change behavior. But the only thing standing in the way is tolerating uncomfortable feelings. And it's actually tolerating natural or expected uncomfortable feelings. Like they're not even surprises. We know they're going to be there. And if we build up our tolerance for being able to handle them, we will get so much further faster in any sort of habit or behavior change we want. Here's a recent example from a client. She decided she wanted to start going to the gym, and she did so.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:10:50]:
Generally, in weight loss or fertility, going to the gym is not a big part. Food is the majority of weight loss. 80 to 95% is just about our food. And we use the hunger scale, food dates, planning. That's how we do that. But I certainly help with all decision making and exercise is so fantastic for your body. So if you decide to do it, amazing. I always like to work on the food first, but then you're certainly welcome to move and there's not a problem with moving.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:11:25]:
So I just wanted to make that clear because on her own, my client just decided that she wanted to start exercising. Amazing. So she made that decision and she went. But she, when we were talking about it, she minimized the accomplishment because she said she did it dragging her feet. So she lamented that it was hard to get herself there, but she went. She got herself there. Now, this is when I told her about a smile on your face and a song in your heart idea. So it was not enough to get up and go to the gym.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:11:58]:
We want ourselves to do it joyfully somehow. It doesn't count if we drag our feet or complain to ourselves or our partner if we're late or we don't do full effort. No, it actually does count. You got yourself to the gym. That's amazing. That is a behavior change. Assuming you weren't doing it before. It's amazing.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:12:16]:
You had a goal. You made it happen. Good for you. Like, absolutely incredible. Now, my client and I have been working together long enough that she no longer talks to herself meanly. So I know that when she was dragging her feet, she didn't make herself go to the gym in some bullying way. She got herself to the gym and noticed the dragging of her feet. And that is so good.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:12:41]:
So the lesson for us to talk about, my client and me, was to discuss the expectation that she do it complaint free. It's like expecting the kid to be happy about doing homework. Our brains are like children. Truly. It's often a very good analogy. They don't want to do anything. They don't have to. And that's because they're designed to conserve energy and also seek pleasure and avoid pain.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:13:12]:
With those three mandates, they stay alive. Okay, that was very useful when it was only survival, and now we're past that. So we need our brain. We can use our brain as the tool that it is to do more than just conserve energy, seek pleasure, avoid pain. We can use it as a tool to help us get the life we want. So the brain certainly doesn't want to change almost ever. It never wants to change. And the brain knows perfectly well what will work to keep you warm in your bed instead of going out for a walk.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:13:49]:
This is how they're like children. Children learn very quickly how to smile cutely so that, you know, they get what they want. Brain does the same thing. And the brain is well practiced in thoughts. Like, it's too early, I need sleep. I'll do it this evening or I'll do it tomorrow. It will 100% give you thoughts like that. So instead of thinking that we're doing it wrong, if those thoughts come up, we can anticipate them and have a plan for how to address them.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:14:22]:
This is the key. The key is not hoping we don't have any resistance in our brain. It's knowing we will and what to do about it. So much like the mom in the earlier scenario, she expected some resistance. In the second part of it, the second version, she expected some resistance. She didn't make it mean anything about the kids or her. And she held the space for the uncomfortable moment. Then she normalized it without drama and celebrated the desired action.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:14:57]:
Okay, so when our brain says things like, it's too early, I need more sleep, all that sort of stuff, we don't have to believe it or make it mean anything that it's having those thoughts. We can just let those thoughts be there. We anticipate the fact that they'll be there. And it may feel uncomfortable to have your brain tell you those things. Like you may think, oh, maybe it really isn't a good idea. Maybe it is a little too early, but it's not. You have made an appropriate decision. Now, assuming that you have.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:15:36]:
So the first thing, is it a good, a kind, conscious decision to go to the gym tomorrow morning? Now, if you have to get up at 5 in the morning and it's already hard for you to get up at six, and you've tried it before a million times, and five o' clock never works out, then maybe that's not a realistic ask of yourself. We want to make kind, conscious decisions. So maybe it does make sense to go for a walk. Maybe not such a long walk or not as early or something. Something that's kind and conscious that you can realistically do. So we do have to start there. It has to be a realistic ask of yourself. But then we can be like the loving mother.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:16:20]:
Remember that we have a bigger vision than just this minute. We want to get stronger, healthier. We've decided exercise is how we're going to do that. So in order to do it, to have this new behavior, we have to tolerate the relatively minor discomfort of having the thoughts. It's too early, I need sleep, I'll do it later. The ones that are designed to keep us in bed, saving energy. But when we tolerate that cognitive dissonance, those thoughts that are opposite of what we want to do, if we anticipate them and tolerate them being there, we can get up anyway without bullying, without making ourselves wrong in any way without making our brain wrong or our desire wrong. So we can do it grumpy.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:17:14]:
We can do it with messy hair. We can do it with less energy, no need for a smile on our face and a song in our heart. We can have the discomfort, tolerate it, and get up anyway because we're building something bigger, right? We've decided we wanted to do something and this is the way we're going to do it. We're not forcing ourselves, we're not bullying ourselves. We're noticing the thoughts, acknowledging them as valid and potentially helpful because those thoughts are there to keep you safe. You will be safer warm in your bed than if you get up and go to the gym in the short term. You will be safer long term if you're exercising and your body's healthy and strong and that sort of thing. So this is what the brain cares about now, more often in terms of behavior than it does about the future.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:18:05]:
So we can anticipate that. But you're in charge. The capital U Y O U are in charge. And you've decided that you wanted to give this a try. So it's important to acknowledge and not ignore or deny the brain and its thoughts. We don't want to say, go away. You wouldn't say that to a kid. Go away.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:18:24]:
We want to say, oh, I see that you're having a tough time with this. It's not a problem. We're just going to do this anyway because it's a good idea. This is for our benefit, and that's the way we get ourselves to move so that the brain starts to think it can trust you. You have your best interest at heart. This is why building a trusting relationship with ourself is so important. It's so useful in so many ways. So in this case, because you've done this now, you've acknowledged your brain's thoughts, you love it for trying to keep you safe.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:19:04]:
But you are trustworthy and have decided that this is going to be something important that we want to do. So you metaphorically tousel your hair and you proceed to get up. Now, a very important part of this is the celebration, the praise, the recognition that you did it, even if you were grumpy, even if it felt not 100%. This is the part that my client was missing, thinking it didn't count because it wasn't done perfectly, AKA without any pushback, as if she just woke up and was thrilled to get up and out. And it's the piece that moves the process along so much faster. The celebration the acknowledgement, the pride, the praise. Notice all the things that went well, all the parts of the experiment that worked, and you acknowledge them to yourself. Your brain will see that.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:20:01]:
Your brain does love praise. So when we are able to see all the parts, the believable parts that went well and we acknowledge them, it's going to make it so much easier the next time we do it. So next week, we're going to dive deeper into this idea of a smile on your face and a song in your heart, along with the idea of doing it perfectly. And I have another great example to examine the benefits of developing the skill of tolerating some emotional discomfort. So there really is not a need for a smile or a song to get to the weight we want. That doesn't mean it's joyless. It just means we don't have to be perfectly. The stars don't have to be aligned.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:20:49]:
Okay, today we covered the key to starting a new habit or behavior. So first, we make a kind, conscious decision, one that supports you and is realistic for where you are now so important. Second is anticipating the brain not cooperating, anticipating that the brain won't be on board. Third, we have a plan for dealing with that sweet brain. We tolerate the uncomfortable feeling of dissonance. We remember the reason we're doing this and acknowledge the thoughts and lead with loving energy like the loving mother. Fourth, we celebrate every win, big and small, and this will set us up well for the next time. The key is always some version of love.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:21:40]:
In this case, it's mothering yourself. As a warm, wise, loving mom, I'm here to help you with all of this, always. You can always find me @StephanieFeinMD on Instagram or LinkedIn, or you can go to my website, stephaniefeinmd.com and you can hit the lose weight with me button. And we will be connected. I am sending you so much love. Until next week when we talk more about smile on your face and a song in your heart and sending you so much love.
