Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:00]:
Hello, fabulous. Dr. Stephanie Fein here with weight loss for fertility. And if you're listening to this, on the day it comes out, it's my birthday. Yay. Birthday. I've always loved my birthday for the presents now, not the actual presents, like the things inside, necessarily at all. In fact, it's usually not.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:22]:
I love opening presents. I love how presents look. I love the wrapping paper, taking it off and opening the box. The thing I really love, I think, is the mystery of a package, and you don't know what's inside. I just. I'm a sucker for that. And to me, medicine follows that. Like, medicine is a mystery.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:44]:
And problem solving, what's going on, what's putting all the pieces together. But then I also do love reading and watching mysteries. So that's just a core part of me I'm thinking, and I never actually really thought about that with the opening of the presents, but it's totally true. And the problem solving. This is why Columbo, if you've been around here long enough, you know that Columbo is my very favorite. And it's the perfect setup because if you know a Columbo episode, the murderer does the murder in the beginning. So there's not that much of a mystery there, which is perfect for me. The mystery is watching Columbo solve the mystery, that problem solving and the surprise.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:01:26]:
So a little surprise and big problem solving. I just love opening presents. And the thing that I think of, my brother always, because he always gets me on this. When I was little, I opened other people's presents. Again, not for the present, but for the opening. Happy to hand over the stuff that's inside. I just wanted to open the present. Okay, that's a little aside, but I did actually want to talk to you about birthdays.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:01:52]:
And when I think of when I'm thinking of a birthday, I was thinking of you all because you're always on my mind and thinking about birthdays and you. And birthdays can, when they come during trying to conceive and fertility clinic appointments and all that sort of thing, it can sometimes not be so welcome. There could be an undercurrent of not being so happy about a birthday because it could be like an unwanted reminder of time marching on. And so I wanted to make room for that when we're talking about birthdays, your birthday, and to talk to you about how to make room for that. And there is. So this is a perfect example of gray thinking, not black or white thinking, not all or nothing thinking, but the sort of the messy middle just like life nuanced and a little messy. So we can be happy for any reason to be celebrated, because that can just be fun in and of itself, especially the people we love showering a little more attention on us. That's amazing sometimes because we can also be sad for not having what we want yet.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:03:02]:
It can be both. We can want both. And that may look like feeling genuinely touched. When you get birthday wishes from friends and family, but also also not want to talk to them. This is where text comes in so perfectly. Or it might look like a huge celebration and giving your brain a rest from thinking about eggs and shots and things like that. Or it could look like not wanting to celebrate but wanting just to take the day off and jammies or be alone with your partner, that sort of thing. All of that and anything in between is legitimate and is the part I want to talk to you about is honoring that part of you honoring how you're feeling and how you want to think about and be with a birthday.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:03:54]:
Two important ideas. One, that there not be judgment around that. Again, that's a theme around here. It's a very important theme because if you want to have a big celebration but you feel guilty, that takes away from the big celebration. It's okay to want a big celebration no matter what's going on in the world. And if you want to take in the loving messages from friends and family but not connect in a bigger way, we don't have to feel guilty about that either. There's guilt only where there's judgment. So if we're not judging ourselves as doing it wrong, then we're free to be who we are and do what we want.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:04:39]:
And that to me, is a really important thing, to get in touch with what we really want. If we're not judging, we can get to that answer much more quickly. And that's what I want to talk to you about today. So remember, we're going to remove judgment about how we're feeling and what we want to do for our birthday. And we're going to think about this next thing. It's the skill of tapping into what you really want. Asking, what do I really want? We're talking here about birthdays. If birthday's coming up and it may feel off, the truth is you can do this for every single solitary birthday.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:05:19]:
But we're talking here about in the midst of fertility, if you ask yourself what you really want, the thing you want most out of the day. If we ask ourselves that and listen to the answer, we're strengthening the muscle of asking and really listening to the answer. What do I want? I recently asked this question about birthdays is why birthdays are coming up too. My husband's having a big one soon and he loves a big party, so he wants to have a big party. Amazing. And I started imagining how I would want to celebrate a big birthday. And I thought about a party. And there's so many things I love about a big party.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:05:55]:
It's all the people you love, it's amazing, everyone's having a good time, it's all that. But something was not quite sitting well with me and I got to the essence of who I am right now. So that may have been something I wanted to do in the past, but who I am now, I really prefer one on one time with people, with my loved ones and friends and family whenever I have a big party. And I actually haven't had a million of these in my life. But when I have one and make the big effort, I'm so happy to have everyone there. But I'm scattered because I, I can't spend one on one time with people. And then I feel sad that I missed time with them. So I thought about that ahead of time this time.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:06:40]:
And now I'm thinking more of planning like special time with each friend. I just prefer one on one time that way. And that looks so much different than a big party. And so by asking the question what do I want? Without judgment, right? I wasn't judging myself that I don't want a big party I could have. But if I took away the judgment, then I got to what I really wanted. And now I'm thrilled for when a big birthday comes. I started doing that. So I now spend my birthday away with my husband for just a little weekend and not necessarily anything big.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:07:22]:
And that is my preferred thing to do because I asked this question now, it won't be that forever. And when I have a big birthday or whenever I decide I can have my one on one time. I wouldn't have known that if I didn't ask the question. That's the one I want you to ask yourself, what do I want? What is most important to me? How do I honor who I am right now and what I want? Those are really big questions. And if we remove the judgment and, and then just ask the questions and listen for the answers, we will be able to honor that part of us which is so important because that is what strengthens the relationship you have with yourself. And with a strong relationship with yourself, there's nothing you can't do in order to be able to answer the question, what do I want? First, we have to know ourselves, and that's no small thing. We have to know the things that we like, and we don't like the things that we want, not the things that other people want. And that can be tricky to get to.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:08:29]:
Sometimes we may not even know the answer to that. So asking the question can be a courageous act because we're starting to investigate who we are now, what we want now. So first we have to know ourselves, and then we have to trust ourselves enough to act, ask, and then answer the question. If I ask myself that question, will I get a real answer? Or will it be what he wants or she wants or they want? We're working on that part. And then once we've figured out we know ourselves, and then we trust ourselves enough to ask and then answer the question, we have to believe the answer. I know that could sound nuts, but if I always thought I wanted a big party, but now I'm thinking, oh, but that doesn't feel right. It makes sense to believe that answer or at least investigate it further. So if our sweet selves are willing to give an answer, what we want to make sure to do is believe it.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:09:41]:
And then we go about honoring that answer. That combination, knowing ourselves, trusting ourselves enough to ask and then answer the question, Believing the answer, and then going about honoring the answer is the way we strengthen relationships. The truth is, that's how you strengthen any relationship. But right now, we're talking about the relationship with ourselves. Now, let's say for an example, it doesn't have to mean that you're going on a European tour if that's not in the budget right now. If you're asking yourself, what do you really want for your birthday? And it pops up in your head. A European tour, amazing. But if that's not in the budget right now, what is the essence of that? We want to encourage your brain to really tell us what you really want.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:10:26]:
That would be really good information to know. Excellent information. A European tour, amazing. You have something inside you that wants to do that. What's going on? Amazing. If we get to. Because if we're just talking about a birthday, if you get that answer and that becomes a goal of yours and you do what needs to do to go in the next year, amazing. But if we're just talking about how do you want to spend next Tuesday, your birthday? What's the essence of that? That's important to you? Is it the adventure? Is it a change of scenery? Is it uninterrupted time with your partner? What is it about that idea that is the juiciest, the most important to you? And then in the spirit of the wish, we can honor the spirit of the wish and in maybe a slightly different way.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:11:18]:
So if European tour was the thing that popped into your head, maybe like a French film in a downtown theater, or planning the future trip or a stroll together in someplace different, or sleeping in late or signing up for duolingo, you know what I mean? Like, you can go from getting the true answer in yourself and then honoring the pieces of it that fit in for your actual birthday day. The skill we're looking to develop is asking what we want of ourselves, then giving it to ourselves without judgment in a way that works for our lives. Now, this is the birthday idea here. And the birthday idea is this because it can be a sensitive birthday, because in a year, you could be thinking of like, a couple years ago or you just had a. Recently had a wedding or any of those sorts of things. A birthday's easy. Oh, we're definitely going out to dinner, or we're definitely doing this. This birthday may be more complicated, and it gives us the opportunity to check in, to practice this skill.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:12:30]:
Now, the amazing thing is you have been practicing this skill before if you've been using the hunger scale is the first way or a really great way to practice this skill of checking in. Checking in is how we know what we want. When we use the hunger scale, we're asking ourselves to check in with our body multiple times a day. What level hunger am I now? AM I Negative 2, positive 2, negative 3, positive 1. We're looking at the scale to see where we are so we know when to eat. So we're listening to our body when we're doing that. With the hunger scale, we are naturally teaching ourselves to be checking in, and we're developing that relationship. We're giving ourselves the attention that the body wants and needs in order to be able to communicate to you how much food it needs.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:13:27]:
This is beautiful for the fact that you get better and better at using the hunger scale, but also because you get better and better at knowing yourself, at being able to check in and see what's going on there. Because when you check in for hunger, you actually get other information, too. We happen to. In the times that we're talking about eating and hunger, we're specifically looking for that one. But when we gaze internally, we can see feelings, we can see ideas, we can see thoughts, we can start to see things that are going on inside. And that information is gold. All of it. The hunger scale, the levels of hunger.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:14:12]:
Being able to see your thoughts and feelings. They're very important information for you to be able to make decisions going forward. We talk about it in context of food because are you hungry or are you eating for a different reason? Again, good information. But that skill of checking in is strengthened and is so important. It gives you so much skill at doing other things too. Knowing what you want to do on your birthday in a year that may feel off super important, you will have many birthdays in your future. I encourage you to learn to celebrate you by honoring who you are each year, this year and every year coming. Because as a new mom, you're going to want a different birthday, I can promise you, than when you were fresh out of college.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:15:09]:
Honoring who you are each year is such a beautiful thing to do each birthday. And as we are aware and conscious, we can. If we look back, we can see the development of ourselves. We can watch with love how we are changing and moving through life. We honor ourselves each year on our birthday by asking ourselves what we want. Then we listen and believe the answer without judgment. And then we find a way to deliver the spirit of that wish, if not the whole thing. Now, I'll put a little tidbit in here too.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:15:49]:
The great thing about knowing what we want is that then we can ask for it. So we don't have to let anyone read our mind about what we want for our birthday. Especially because it's always the case. No one can read a mind. So once you've figured out what you want, you can tell everyone or just the important people or whoever asks. They will be so grateful to know what you want, isn't it? It's so much easier to give people what they want. Everyone's happy, everyone. You're giving them a gift by telling them what you want, Believe me.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:16:33]:
And so when you know, then you can tell them. And everything can go as well as it can go. Which doesn't mean you're going to have the most perfect day on any birthday. But it means it's more likely to happen when everyone's on the same page and you are honoring yourself and your real desires. It's a beautiful thing. And this is a great skill to have in your back pocket. Because it can, of course, be used for anything. It can be used for Christmas, it could be used for summer vacation.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:17:08]:
It can be used for anything. But today we're talking about birthdays, because it's mine today. And I am wishing you a happy birthday whenever that is, or the kind of birthday you want to have as honoring you that sweet self I am sending you so much love.
