Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:00]:
Hello, fabulous Dr. Stephanie Fein here with weight loss for fertility. And Valentine's Day is just around the corner in a couple days. If you're listening to this in real time. And I love the Valentine's Day episodes. If you've been around here long enough, you know that's true. My favorite love is the love we have for ourselves. Because when we hold our sweet selves in high regard, it spills out.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:30]:
It can't help it. And of course, the love that I'm talking about here is not an arrogant, empty love. It doesn't one up or puff out. It's a deep respect, trust, and compassion for our being. And therefore, if we're thinking that way about ourselves, we will think that way about others, too. That's not the reason to do it, but the reason to do it is to have the love for ourselves. It just happens that it will extend outward. The reason I think and talk about loving ourselves so much is because when we do that, our decisions are kind, conscious ones.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:01:17]:
The ones about our food, the ones about our speech, the ones about the things that we take into our brain, the decisions with our relationships work. Everything, everything becomes kinder because we're holding ourselves in such high regard. Also, when we're doing that and we're working on doing that, we are very aware when we're not. And that voice, that's critical. It's one of the most important things that we have to figure out how to handle if we're going to have permanent weight loss. Because as we're trying to change behaviors, change decisions, we're not going to do it perfectly because we're learning something new is just not possible. As we're learning, if we have that critical, judgmental voice, it will stop us from learning because it's so painful to be yelled at, particularly by our own brain. Our own brain is really sneaky, and it knows exactly the buttons to push to get us to stop doing something.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:02:22]:
So if we tame that voice and we now, this is the tricky thing. We're not mean to the mean voice. We're actually kind to it. We understand it, we're compassionate towards it. Then it calms down and we can recognize that deep connection we have with ourselves. And when we do, we just make different decisions. And that's what helps us listen to our hunger, eat when we're hungry, stop when we're satisfied, and then keep it off. Because it's a permanent way we like to treat ourselves.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:02:56]:
So on Valentine's Day, I get to talk about love, and I get to go on little rants like that. This is why I love it. There's some of my very favorite episodes. And please do listen to the other episodes. The other Valentine's Day episodes, There are three. This is the fourth. Amazing. The fourth time Valentine's Day's come around.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:03:18]:
The past episodes are gonna be linked in the show notes. It's episode 14, which has my favorite practice on Valentine's Day that Cheryl Richardson taught me. Episode 66 has 50 ways to show your love without food. It's awesome. There's literally 50 of them. It's so good. You can definitely find something great there. And episode 118, which tells you the one word that can change everything when it comes to loving relationship with yourself, tells you the one word that can change everything when it comes to a loving relationship with yourself.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:03:51]:
Developing it. So definitely go listen to those after you finish here. Okay. Now, when it comes to weight loss and Valentine's Day, there are certain tropes like the chocolate and the heart FL full of chocolate. And then there's dinners out or dinners made at home. So those things are around food, right? We know how to handle food even on special occasions. We talked about birthdays last week, but we just follow our hunger skill. So we get to enjoy anything any day.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:04:22]:
This is not anything special. It may be that it's a special place you go to or something like that. But in terms of the food choices you make, the there's room for chocolate. There's room for whatever your favorite fancy meal is. We just eat them in a conscious way when we're hungry, and we stop when we're satisfied, not full. So if chocolate's on the list for something you were wanting today, just fit it in. Meaning eat a little less dinner or a little less lunch so that you have room for the chocolate or the cake or whatever it is you want so that when you're done with your dessert, you are not full. You're still at satisfied.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:05:04]:
And then, of course, what just came to mind is if you're satisfied, it's a little more comfortable to do any sort of exertion you'd like to after dinner. If we're full, it kills the mood. So many reasons why. The hunger scale is brilliant. So hunger scale is all we need. And remember, I'm just gonna remind you that if you're gonna have dessert, I do like it after dinner or after a meal because it releases more slowly into your bloodstream when you have sugar mixed with protein in particular, but other fiber and that sort of thing. So you don't get the spike as much. It's much better on your blood sugar in general.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:05:38]:
So having sugar with a meal just works out much better. So there's that. See, that just takes a couple of minutes to talk about. And we have lots of podcasts on Hunger scale. Please check them out. So I'm today going to talk about the greatest gift you can give your loved one. The greatest gift for Valentine's Day that you can give. Are you ready? Tell them exactly what would make you happy.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:06:09]:
Now, you can take that in the big sense in general, but I'm talking about Valentine's Day right now. Tell them what. What would make you happy on Valentine's Day. This is a story I just heard, a recounting of part of a Simpsons episode. So this was a podcast I was listening to, and she was telling about a Simpsons episode. But. And I. So I never saw this episode myself, but I could vividly see this scene.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:06:38]:
And this is how she told it. It's Christmas morning, and Marge turns to Homer. They're the main people in the series. Marge turns over and says, oh, Homer, it's Christmas morning. Let's exchange our gifts. And what happens is Homer, of course, is mortified because he's realizing it's Christmas morning and he did not get anything. So he says, great idea. Give me a minute.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:07:09]:
And he quickly gets dressed, and he gets in the car, and he starts driving around, and there's nothing open because it's Christmas morning. And he goes to the Kwik E Mart, and all the shelves are picked clean, and even that place is picked clean. And he drives around and he can't find anything, and everything's closed. And he's so defeated, and he's so upset. And he comes home and he's just depressed, and he's sitting at the table, and Marge comes and says, it's time to exchange gifts. Here, open mine. And he's Homer sad. You know how Homer is.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:07:43]:
He unwraps the beautifully wrapped present, and inside is another beautifully wrapped present. And there's a card on that present. And on that card, it says, to Marge, love Homer. And he looks at it, and then he looks at her, and he said, this is exactly what I wanted. So then, of course, he gives her the present, and it's what she wanted. It's what he wanted. The whole thing ends beautifully. I love that story because it really, literally did make him happy.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:08:26]:
He was so happy to be able to give her something that she wanted. That's all he wanted, was to make her happy. And she let him do that. So it's beautiful. So my question to you is, what would make you happy again on Valentine's Day? We can talk about this in different scenarios, and actually, I'll get to that a little bit later. But what would make you happy? You have time to think about it. What would have you feeling loved? What would you like to do? What's fun? What's something you would like to do together? We often think in terms of a partner. In particular, if they don't know, I shouldn't have to tell them.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:09:03]:
They don't really know me. I can promise you that's usually not the case. It's more like this story with Homer and Marge. It's why I love this story. We know that Homer loves Marge. We know that. And Marge knows that Homer loves her, but she also know that Homer's Homer. And Homer has his own things going on, and he may lose track of things, and this may not be his forte.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:09:33]:
So she created a win win situation for them both. So asking for the massage or asking for a drive to the forest or the ocean or the park or the snow, or asking for the sweater you want, including the right size, maybe even the link, like all that. Giving the answer to the test does not mean you lose. It doesn't mean you fail. It means you're setting yourself up for a beautiful time together. A win win, it's like a guaranteed home run can be really scary to try to swing at the ball and miss. And you'll know if that's ever happened where they tried something and it was not what you wanted, and then everyone's bummed. So setting yourself and them up to have a fun time together, just so valuable.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:10:31]:
And by the way, this goes for anyone. This does not have to be a romantic partner. This could be your friends, your family. If you're getting together with people, set expectations, know what you want and ask what they want, and then you can create the day or the time together. This is setting everyone up to win, not to guess and be disappointed when we get really good at this, asking for what we want and need, we can do this anywhere. This is a skill that translates, right? So at family gatherings, if we've determined that we don't have certain conversations or we don't want people commenting on our plate or whatever, we can ask for that. We can ask for certain foods to be made. We can ask for certain foods not to be made at a baby shower.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:11:20]:
We could do a brief appearance, or we could skip the whole thing altogether at Work. We could ask for time off or for a raise. There's so many things, like, once we know when we ask. Now, of course, there's a lot of nuance and stuff that can be challenging in this. So the first thing that's really important is that we have to get clear ourselves. And this is not nothing getting clear about what we want. That is 90% there. Because once we know that, there's a million ways we can get it.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:11:53]:
We certainly can ask for it. But if we don't get it from someone else, then we can give it to ourselves. Knowing what would make us happy, knowing what we truly want, the essence of what we want is a huge step in the right direction. We may want this time for our partner to do a grand gesture. And you can set that up about what the grand gesture is, because Sally always has a grand gesture. And this year, I would like to have a grand gesture. As long as we know what's really going on, not hiding that fact. You could actually even end up giggling together about, yeah, let's see if we can do something better than Sally this year together.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:12:33]:
Not even against Sally. But this is because of something that you've noticed for yourself. If there's envy or jealousy, there's certainly time to explore it. And also, maybe you can invite in your partner to maybe explore it with you or to live out something fun. It becomes intimate. It becomes a source of connection rather than division. When we don't let our partner in to this sort of secret wish that we have, it's not secret that way. We're letting our partner in.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:13:13]:
And that connection in and of itself is love. So when we get clear on what we want and why, it's so much easier to ask, because then we can ask with less expectation. And what I mean by that is we ask, but it's not a demand. It's not, if you don't give me this, I won't be happy, or, this is the only thing that will make me happy, this is on a menu. And the work or the time that you put in to discover what you really want for yourself is always well spent. So first we get clear for ourselves what we want. Really a big deal. Because we also may think, oh, I wanted a big gesture, but that really was only to impress Sally.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:14:04]:
And I don't actually, now that I'm thinking about it, I don't really want to impress Sally this year. And then, poof, all that goes away, all the pressure and the tension. So there is no wrong answer. We just want the answer. It's just really good to see, so we get clear for ourselves. Then we ask kindly, lovingly, with no expectation, so it's not a demand. And then this can be challenging and feel like the opposite of what we're doing, but it's letting it go. And I tried to find the saying, there's a saying, something like this, but I couldn't find it.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:14:44]:
And so now I've made one up, which is wish. Take tight, hold light. To me, that means really figure out what you want, like a little kid. Like I want a yellow stuffed animal, sunshine that's as big as my face. You know how kids can get really specific about certain things? That's like us. Wish hard for it, but also hold it lightly. Because once you've wished for it, you. You then know it.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:15:16]:
And there's many ways it can come to you. Maybe through your partner, maybe a different way. But now you know what the wish is. The greatest gift you can give yourself and your partner is knowing what you want and then asking for it. So consider this Valentine's to give the greatest gift, telling your loved one what would really make your day. In order to do that, you have to know, which is a great exercise in and of itself. Then you ask kindly, lovingly, with no expectations, and then you let it go. Wish tight, hold light.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:15:55]:
Happy Valentine's Day to everyone. Love is always available to us because we can always be loving. And what I mean by always be loving is just the thoughts you're thinking. If you're thinking loving thoughts, you are feeling love. And that's loving. Thinking loving thoughts about yourself, about the world, about nature, about your loved one, about anything has you feeling love. And love feels pretty great. So I wish for a lot of love.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:16:34]:
Valentine's Day. And every day I'm sending you so much.
