Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:00]:
Hello, fabulous! Dr. Stephanie Fein here with Weight Loss for Fertility. And I was talking to a client who has blown past her original goal. It's so fun to see. So we started to talk about the next one, and I was reminded of this idea. And the idea is 5 more pounds, just 5 more pounds. I promise that whatever number you think of when you're setting a weight goal for yourself, when you get there, your brain will say, "How about 5 more pounds?" And I have seen this over and over. I certainly also have experienced it myself, and I have come to understand it in a different way.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:47]:
And that's why we're talking about it today. So When we are choosing a number, or maybe more accurately, a weight range in general, we make the decision with our prefrontal cortex. And what I mean by that is the decision-making part of your brain. We've talked about that before because that is a very useful place to plan things, to make realistic plans. Not from the survival brain, and that can be synonymous with the hungry brain that makes impulsive decisions. We want to make logical decisions, reasoned decisions that we like the reasons that we're making the choice. And that's what I want for you in terms of when you choose a weight goal. We want to use that logical part of our brain.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:01:37]:
Now, not that we can't change our mind. Of course you can. You can choose a weight and decide you want to lose 5 more pounds. That's, of course you can. But often my people will, and I'm thinking of myself, I, there's a really good reason why I choose a certain number. A really good reason why my clients choose their number. And I always want you to think that through. Again, not because this is the end-all be-all.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:02:03]:
You certainly can change your mind. And I did. I had a weight goal before kids and then after each kid, it was a little different.. It just felt better to me to make that decision. And I just want you to like your reasons. Your clothes fit at that size. Your body isn't achy. You're able to exercise the way you want.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:02:24]:
You think it looks good. The main one to me, and this is the one that I care about the most, is that it's sustainable. So you don't have to do anything nuts. Now, if you're losing weight the weight loss for fertility way, you're never doing anything nuts. So it's just a weight that feels very simple and easy to maintain. You eat what you want. You eat when you're hungry, stop when you're satisfied. You do your food dates, seeing that everything's going well.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:02:54]:
It feels easy to you. That's the number that is ideal because then you're staying there. It's pretty easy to stay there. Now, I promise that if you use all these faculties, your logical brain, you know, you're making good decisions. You really like your reasons. When you hit that number, your brain will say, how about 5 more pounds? And that's why we're talking about it today. It's a quirk of the brain. We're going to talk about that.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:03:27]:
But the other, I wanted to mention this piece too, because I have spoken to people who at some point had lost a lot of weight for not good reasons, like they were ill or depressed or something, and they lost a lot of weight. They just weren't eating. Their brain still offered that they should lose 5 more pounds. And I'm not— and I am not talking about eating disorders or body dysmorphia. That certainly is a thing and needs attention and Support is very important for that kind of thing. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about when you're losing weight and you're doing it healthy, it feels good. There's nothing restrictive, depriving, extreme.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:04:12]:
It's that little voice that we're talking about, the one that says, "5 more pounds." As I mentioned, it's a predictable quirk of the brain. That's what I'm talking about. This idea that the brain will always say that, partly because it's always striving. It's always looking for the dopamine hits and watching the scale go down can be a dopamine hit. And at some point we don't want the dopamine hit from that. We're happy to have dopamine hits when we can create them, right? When we celebrate things, anything we decide to celebrate, we will get a dopamine hit. So we don't need it to be the scale constantly going down, but the brain likes dopamine hits that it knows where to get them. Like that it's worked before.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:05:03]:
Anything that has worked for a dopamine hit in the past, it's going to want it over and over and over. It's like, see, I know exactly where to get it. I go to the well for water. That's what it is. But that quirk of the brain does not always help us in our life. This uses that same concept of the brain producing thoughts. It's a thought-producing machine, just like your heart beats and your lungs breathe, your brain thinks, and that's separate of you. We use the brain, but we can decide to use the logical part, not the dopamine-seeking part.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:05:40]:
Of course, also, it's shaped by culture, right? Always wanting, like the diet culture and the beauty standard culture and all that sort of stuff. That's definitely in there and can impact the fact that the brain offers 5 more pounds. But it's a combo of dopamine, diet culture, and the fact that it's always striving. We want the brain to strive. That's useful to us in many ways. It's just here when we've hit goal weight and we've made a conscious, a kind, conscious decision. We want it to shut its trap, pretty much. The reason we're talking about this is because I want you to know that this is what will happen.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:06:22]:
It doesn't mean anything about your weight. It doesn't mean anything about your abilities. This is very likely to happen. Sometimes it won't. Amazing. You can skip this whole thing, which would be fantastic. But it's a discomfort. It's a discomfort to have your brain say something and you not agree with it.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:06:45]:
And that's why we're talking about this. So I don't want you to think something's gone wrong because your brain says it. And I just want you to be prepared and then have a plan. And so that's what we're going to be talking about. The plan, as always, there's many episodes about this sort of the way we talk to our brain and change the wiring is that we speak kindly to it. So we're not yelling at it, we're not saying it's wrong or bad. We say things like, "Oh, I was expecting you," which of course is why I'm having this episode. I want you to be able to expect it, that it's not something that's wrong.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:07:26]:
"Oh, I was expecting you. Oh, nice to see you, but I got this." "Work good. Thank you. Mwah." It then feels seen. So it does not have to be dramatic. It doesn't have to make a scene at that point because you saw it, you acknowledged it, and it can go on its merry way. It did a job. Fantastic.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:07:50]:
It doesn't mean that you've done anything wrong, that you should pick a different number, that you should take action. It means none of that. It just means your brain is working in our society and it's been trained. And so we are going to ease that thought pattern, that wiring by being kind and not acting on it. The move here is to tolerate the discomfort. I know you've heard me say that before. That skill is very important. We want to let that dissonance be there, right? Because your brain is saying we should lose 5 pounds and you are saying nope.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:08:34]:
So the brain can get a little naggy. And when we handle it this way, the way that we're talking about right now, it will extinguish rather than continue to nag you. So we tolerate the sort of the nagging, which I'm calling a discomfort. And it's the tension of your brain saying one thing, but your heart knowing another. That you made a decision with the logical part of your brain and you trust yourself, so you're sticking to it. It's like letting the toddler in our brain have a tantrum. It's allowed to have its feelings, but we don't have to react. And we can love it and respect the idea, but we don't have to entertain it.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:09:23]:
And if we don't act on it, it extinguishes. It can be very painful emotionally to watch a toddler, especially one of your own, have a meltdown. There is a, like, parenting technique. You could see it all around. Of making sure the toddler's safe, but not responding to it, not giving it what it's tantruming about, if that's something you've decided you didn't want to give. And of course, that's what we're talking about here. You've decided on a wait, you're very happy with it. When that idea comes in, which it very well may, we just let it be there and tolerate the discomfort of it nagging you until it You've acknowledged it and it goes away.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:10:12]:
And it may come back, so you do the same thing. And what happens is it comes back less and less. It learns that it can't get your attention that way and it can't cause drama, so it stops until the next time. And what happens is often is it will be in a vulnerable time, there'll be more stress or something will happen and that— and we'll be a little off our game and that thought will come in just to— it's like sneaky. It'll come and get ya. So we're, as much as we can, we're going to remember that's possible and remember our decision and speak kindly to it, but let it know that we don't need that suggestion. Thank you very much. This is a lot like urge work.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:11:04]:
If you've been around here, you've definitely heard this. Urge work, the brain wants something and we don't judge it for wanting it, but we also know we don't want it in the big picture. We decided ahead of time, like the cookie or the whatever you've decided that you're not having, or you're not having 4, or you're having it tomorrow or whatever, but the brain is urging you to have it now. It's not a problem that the brain does it. We allow the emotion, the discomfort of that emotion, and it passes if we allow it. If we resist it, it does not pass. If we allow it to be there, if we practice having that sort of tension in our body and Be with it. Within 30 to 60 seconds, it passes.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:11:59]:
This skill, which we have so many opportunities to practice in all different ways, including this 5 more pounds, this skill will serve you so well in life. Not only less food and weight drama in your brain, but if you're watching your kids struggle, like learning and not stepping in right away, your heart hurts. Watching them struggle with something. But there'll be a balance between letting them learn on their own and of course keeping them safe. But that space can feel terrible. So being able to tolerate it means more growth for you and for them. And you may have felt this too, is the waiting for results is another place that this skill will help. Waiting for results of any kind, and in fertility treatments, there's a bazillion waiting periods, and living with the uncomfortable feeling of uncertainty.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:13:01]:
Not that we like it, but that we understand it. We understand that the brain will say over and over again, what if, what if, what if, what if, or what are the results? What are the results? What are the results? If we allow it to be there and understand the discomfort, but then gently say, "We are going to find the results on Tuesday. Love you." That will help ease the tension. It's not going to go away completely, but it will help more than resisting. Being able Being able to know that you will not crumble or die from the emotional discomfort of the uncertainty is so valuable. There's other places where this skill will be valuable. It would be like when you ask for a raise and you're waiting for that, when you put an offer in the house and you're waiting to see if that happens. Stressful times will benefit from this ability to tolerate some emotional discomfort.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:14:13]:
The brain is reminding you of the open loop. We don't know yet. And that's an emergency. It's an emergency that we don't know. It's not, unless it is, of course. And if there's an emergency situation, you're going to deal with it. But these non-emergency, they just feel terrible. It's the brain's Dealing with the open loop, not worrying about your weight, like no longer worrying about your weight because you're at the goal weight you decided, or not wanting to lose more weight, that can feel like an open loop to the brain.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:14:50]:
It's not, but it can feel like that because we've been conditioned to be dieting all the time. Always on a diet, always losing more, never enough. Yes, you can be too thin. And also you've decided on a number that feels good to you. So there's a lot that loop that the brain is on is just from conditioning and we can decondition it because you are not dieting all the time anymore. Because when you lose weight, the weight loss for fertility way, there is no more dieting. There's only listening to your body. It's hunger and satisfaction and checking in with a food date.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:15:30]:
That's it. And so your brain doesn't need to be thinking about losing weight all the time anymore. And that's a new state for it. So it needs a little adjusting. You make kind, conscious decisions and decide on a weight range. That is one of the kind, conscious decisions that you're making, the weight range that you're deciding on. But be prepared that your brain will offer up 5 more pounds. Nothing's gone wrong.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:16:02]:
You smile and pat that thought on its head and move on with your day, 'cause you have got this. As a wrap-up, you get to decide your weight goal. I highly recommend deciding with sustainability on your mind. That's the most important aspect of your weight goal, but you decide it. With reasons that you really like. And then your brain will have other ideas and it will offer that you lose 5 more pounds. It's a quirk of the brain. It's not a problem.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:16:34]:
We're just gonna expect it and we're gonna have a plan of how to deal with it. And that's no judgment with a loving understanding of how the brain works and your mastery over that. Big Y-O-U, capital Y-O-U, the one who knows your goals in life, what makes sense for you. And I always think about it as the loving mother, the understanding one. When she's in charge most of the time, things feel a lot better in our hearts. If you have any questions about this, I would love to hear them. I'm @stephaniefeinMD on Instagram and LinkedIn and stephaniefeinmd.com. If you go to that website, stephaniefeinmd.com, you can hit the Lose Weight With Me button and we will be connected and I can support you in this, getting to goal, and then talking about anything that comes from that.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:17:40]:
I'm sending you so much love until next week. Mwah!
