Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:00]:
Hello, fabulous Dr. Stephanie Fein here with Weight Loss for Fertility. Today we are talking about motherhood and weight loss. So many connections, don't you think? A couple episodes ago I told you about Janine Roth's book Love finally, and that the tagline is about motherhood, mothering and mothers and food and daughters. This is a different take on it, and it's such an important one in my view. It's one of the main reasons I do what I do. The things you learn doing the weight loss for fertility process prepare you for motherhood in profound ways. It's a big statement and I stand behind it.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:47]:
You become a better mother by doing the weight loss or fertility process even before baby arrives. Really, when it comes down to it, we first learn to mother ourselves. And that creates a loving mother inside us that naturally comes out to our kids. But first we have to create that for ourselves. And this is my secret mission, to make mothering a better experience for both the mom and the kid. Really, by making it a better experience for the mom, it's naturally a better experience for the kid. It's a complete win win. And my focus is you, the mom, really, so that you have a better experience internally.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:01:38]:
And of course that means externally too. It just happens that way. The main way we do this is by creating a more kind of nonjudgmental understanding, less critical relationship with yourself. Okay, I'm actually going to say that again. The way we do this is by creating a more kind, a non judgmental, an understanding and less critical relationship with ourselves. Because how we do one thing is how we do everything. But sometimes the only place we see the judgmental, critical relationship clearly is around food and weight. How we do one thing is how we do everything.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:02:24]:
So there's a little bit of it everywhere, but in some places, in some aspects of our lives, it might be minimal. But often when we're in the position where we want to lose weight, that's where we can see a heightened version of the judgmental, critical relationship we actually have. If we're thinking there are good foods and bad foods, then we think we are good when we eat the good ones and bad when we eat the bad ones. This sets us up for judgment, for being critical of ourselves, for feeling guilt and shame. That's one aspect. Sometimes our brains can be even trickier about how we pose it, but that's a clear way of thinking about it. If we think there are good foods and bad foods, then we think we're good or bad. We're very judgmental of the Choices that we make and our behaviors when it comes to food, that's how we experience the judgment we have for ourselves.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:03:25]:
But if we forge a trusting, understanding relationship with ourselves and food, then we get curious. That's such a big important word. It's a big important feeling mode, curiosity. Because when we get curious about the reasons we choose foods that make us feel bloated or heavy or upset our stomach, that gets us somewhere when we're curious, non judgmentally, just actually curious. Huh? I wonder why I did that. I know I don't want to be doing that and yet I find myself doing it. What is going on? In a very non judgmental way. We can gather information, we get somewhere, we can act on something, we can make a hypothesis and we can try something instead of just beating ourselves up for bad quotes behavior.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:04:35]:
So if we eat something that we said we didn't want to eat, we eat it anyway and all we do is write it off as we are bad. Gets us nowhere except feeling awful and then potentially needing to soothe ourselves because we feel awful. And often that's with food. And then we're in that spiral. But if we can get to a place where we're curious about it, we have somewhere to go. But we can't get to curiosity, non judgmental curiosity if we don't have an understanding, non critical relationship with ourselves. The cost of not transforming our relationship with ourselves is a fraught relationship with motherhood. We want it desperately, but it's painful because we again find ourselves doing things we don't want to do.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:05:32]:
Because how we do one thing is how we do everything. If we speak meanly to ourselves, we will end up speaking meanly to our kids. And when we're used to judging ourselves, we will find we will do this with our kids. It's a brain pattern. Now, we don't do it on purpose and we can often filter out, not necessarily act on it, but it takes willpower, it takes a lot of attention. But when the exhaustion sets in from raising a baby and toddler and the frustration hits, the brain pattern will win. And an example of is a simple one. You may have seen this or experienced it with friends or yourself or.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:06:17]:
But getting a kid into the car seat when you're running late and the kid doesn't want to get in the car seat, oh, that can be a situation. And when we fight the reality of the fact that the kid does not want to get into the car seat, we think things like it shouldn't be this way. We feel frustrated and we take it out, even in subtle ways with our kit. Now I'm not even talking about anything major, just like a little rougher, a little shorter, a little more rigid. We default to forcing the situation. Not necessarily forcing physically, that's not what I'm talking about. But the default way to solve this problem is with force, like steamrolling, because I said so. Thing you get in there.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:07:02]:
Now if, however, we speak kindly to ourselves and we're understanding with ourselves on a regular basis, we change the default setting in our brains, the pattern and the understanding that compassion comes first. So if there's a tantrum happening, even if you're running late, it comes with the knowledge that the kid is upset, like there's something going on for them. We don't default to they're trying to make us later or they're being mean on purpose. We look at the situation in a more compassionate, original stance and we think, oh, the kid's upset. I wonder what's going on. When there's acknowledge of the humanness of the situation, of the humanness of the kid having a tantrum, of there's clearly some emotions going on, then we're more open to just taking a beat, taking a breath when we do that. Creativity can come in connection play, but still direction and leadership. So I'm not saying oh, let the kid run around and don't get to the place you need to get to.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:08:17]:
That's not it. We're talking about like an energy shift really. It just takes a few moments. This softening around the fact that the kids upset. It doesn't mean we let the kid ride without the being in the car seat. It just means that we can potentially get creative, be understanding, speak in a more soothing way. We can only do that when we're exhausted and frustrated. If it's the brain pattern, the default brain pattern in our heads and we can make that now, we cannot make it if we don't have it genuinely for ourselves.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:09:01]:
This is what I mean. How we do one thing is how we do everything. You can certainly train yourself to say, okay little Johnny, time to get into the but there's still like an energy there that if we truly have understanding for the humanness in ourselves, we naturally have it for others. So that's what we do. We first learn to do it with ourselves. Oh, you ate the whole sleeve of Oreos. I see. We're upset because we're in the two week wait.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:09:36]:
That is so understandable. Looks like we need more support or connection or distraction. What would have us feeling more Supported tomorrow. That is such a kinder way of understanding. There's an understanding of the situation and understanding of how your brain works. It doesn't mean we're, like, thrilled that we ate a sleeve of Oreos when we didn't want to. But we can move on from there, learn from there, do something different tomorrow. Maybe we spend time with a friend, walk on the beach, rest, ice skate.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:10:12]:
There's something fun. But now our brain is open to that idea rather than just saying, I can't believe you ate a sleeve of Oreos. You're never gonna lose weight. This is hopeless. That's the default. If we're having a more judgmental relationship with ourselves, which, by the way, most of us have, that this is not such a strange thing. But this shift that we make, that's the important piece. Not that we have already a judgmental way about us.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:10:42]:
There's so many reasons that we do culture and everything else, particularly when it comes to weight loss. But noticing it and shifting it is what's necessary for permanent weight loss and to make the experience of motherhood so much better. Now, when we're having. Another example of talking to ourselves in a kind way is if we've decided we want to start walking in the morning, let's say, and then the alarm goes off in the morning and we don't want to get out of bed, we can talk to ourselves instead of saying, get up. I can't believe you. You always do this. We say something like, I get it, you don't want to get out of bed. It's warm and cozy in here, but you will feel so great afterwards.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:11:26]:
You'll feel proud and accomplished. Let's get up now and see how we feel after the walk when we can honestly speak to ourselves that way. That's how we can end up speaking to our kids. Now, it's a little easier with ourselves since we can be logical and thoughtful and a toddler is still developing that skill. But the tone is there and opens us up to so many more opportunities for a win win situation. So it's not that we're abdicating responsibility, we're not. We're just doing it with kind eyes. When we do this, not only does the kid have a better experience, not a perfect experience if they don't want to get in the car seat, they're still going to get in the car seat.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:12:17]:
So it's not anything they want, but it will be a better, kinder experience for the kid and also for you, because there's no need for a beat down afterwards, right? If we've lost it or behaved in a way that we didn't want to, we will beat ourselves up. We can avoid that entirely if we have changed our default way, our default pattern, brain pattern from judgmental to non judgmental. It really is the same as overeating. When we have an overeating, let's say episode, we take it as a sign with understanding that something's up. I just did a recent episode all about this. It's episode 186. When we take it as a sign we can figure out how to do it differently next time, curiosity and creativity kick in rather than feeling shut down by judgment and criticism. This is such an important point and it's the key to permanent weight loss.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:13:28]:
And it happens to be the key to a better experience of motherhood for yourself and the kid. The kinder, more understanding relationship. You practice losing weight. The Weight Loss for Fertility Way paves the way for a more curious creative response with your kids. It's like a direct line. I've alluded to this before in lots of other podcasts, but I don't think I've done a podcast expressly telling you really how this is connected and why it's so important. And it really is. So this timing is perfect because we get to mother ourselves kindly and then that translates to our kids right before we have them.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:14:14]:
Win, win. As a little recap, losing weight the Weight Loss for Fertility Way has benefits beyond improved physiology. It makes your experience of motherhood and your kids experience feel so much better because you change the default pattern in your brain from one of judgment to one of understanding. And when we do that, curiosity, creativity, connection, compassion are all available in ways that we're not. When our default is criticism, the payoff is life changing for you and your kids. Let me show you how. Let me teach you. Lose weight with me the Weight Loss for Fertility Way.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:14:57]:
You can find me @stephaniefeinmd on Instagram and LinkedIn or stephaniefeinmd.com you can press the Lose weight with me button and we will be connected. I would love to help you with this. It is my life's mission until next week. I am sending you so much love.
