Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:00]:
Hello, fabulous. Dr. Stephanie Fein here with Weight Loss for Fertility. And today we're tackling emotional eating. Emotional eating is overeating. Overeating is what leads to weight gain or inability to lose weight when we're eating more than our body needs. We know what our body needs because it will tell us. It will say when it's hungry and it will tell you when it's had enough food.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:27]:
And if we follow those signals, we will be our natural weight. It's so funny, I'm hearing myself, I'm like, that's very simple. It is very simple, but there's a lot that can get in the way of that. And one of the major things is emotional eating. So when it's not just the physical sensations that tell us when to eat and when to stop, but that we have emotional reasons for eating. Reasons outside the physical needs. And that's what we're going to talk about. Hunger scale is so useful to help us know the difference.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:01:03]:
So if we're hungry, -2 on the hunger scale, we eat, we eat until +2, satisfied, not full. And then anytime we want to eat, our brain tells us to eat, our brain suggests that we eat when we're not hungry. That is a tell. That is emotional eating. And you can see that if we eliminate that, if we eliminate any eating when we're not hungry, oh my goodness, it feels so much better too. Now, if there's no overeating, and particularly if emotional eating is a big part of that, if we eliminate that, Then you could see how you would not only lose weight, but you would keep it off forever. And it wouldn't come back on because we're not going to— once we eliminate emotional eating, we don't get it back. We learn how to handle emotions without food, which is ideal because emotions don't need food.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:02:07]:
Hunger needs food, but emotions need care, soothing, comfort, understanding. Understanding, connection. They need a lot of other things. They don't need Oreos. And I know we know this, right? Because we have the Oreos and we still have the emotion. We have the Oreos and now we have guilt for eating Oreos and the emotion. It's, it's the food is just not efficient. It's just not an efficient way to deal with emotions.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:02:38]:
And as a grownup, as an adult ourselves, we can start to notice that. And thankfully there is a way to change it. We can retrain our brain. And in fact, there are 5 steps to doing it. And we are talking about that today. The other thing about this episode is I have 2 great examples. They're really useful examples that showcase how we use the 5-step framework for dissolving emotional eating. I like that word dissolving because it just, It's gone.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:03:10]:
It's not to be seen again. When we attend— this is like the spoiler alert— when we attend to the vulnerable suffering part of ourselves, when we notice that we're going through something that needs our attention, that's how we deal with emotions, not by feeding them. We attend to them. And we can do that again as a grownup. When we're a grownup, we have the tools, we can learn the tools, we have the awareness. And that is, I'm guessing, who's listening to this, grownups who want to know a different way. Okay. Our brain has learned to give us food when we're having an emotion that's challenging.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:03:59]:
a difficult emotion. We've connected comfort with food. Very easy to do because in fact, food does change our internal milieu, right? If we eat, we're chewing physical things. We feel as we're swallowing, we're tasting, we're having a different experience. We're smelling things differently than just suffering with an emotion. So it's smart in that it does distract us. It does change the state we're in, but only temporarily. And then that emotion is still there.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:04:36]:
So our brain learned to give us food, but we can retrain it to give it what it really needs, which is attention, validation, soothing. Okay. So first place, the food noise, the urge. Food noise can be a whole bunch of things, but The brain offering the idea of eating food when we're having an emotion can be considered food noise, right? 'Cause it just happens in the brain. It's just an idea that pops up. It can be an urge because it cannot let it go. Definitely have that. It's time for Oreos.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:05:14]:
Oreos would be good right now. There's Oreos in the pantry. That's the food noise and the urge. And even if you successfully Dampen or don't follow through on that. If we're not addressing the actual reason, then it'll just keep saying it over and over again. And often what will happen is if we don't have another way to deal with it, we'll just eat it to shut it up. That's the pattern we want to change. So the 5-step process is as follows.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:05:42]:
Number 1, notice. We need to notice that we're suffering. Often we don't. We just notice the urge to eat. So in that way, the urge to eat when we're not hungry, right? So that's the first thing we're always going to check in. Are we hungry? No. So if we're having an urge to eat, if our brain is offering up eating as a, as an idea, that is the messenger. And in fact, I have another podcast episode.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:06:12]:
It's episode number 41 that Goes into more detail about this idea. But it's so true. If you're noticing that your brain is suggesting that you have food and you know you're not hungry, that's a tell. That is a place to notice. We notice that there must be something else going on because it's not hunger. So why would our brain be telling us to eat? Aha. There's probably something uncomfortable going on. So noticing the suffering, and I'm using the word suffering to be dramatic, meaning that's actually what's happening.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:06:49]:
It could be a tiny little thing. It could be a comment someone says in passing that affects you, or it could be something very big— resentment, sadness. But whenever we'll get to it, we'll be able to find it if we notice That our brain is offering food as a solution to something other than hunger. Okay. So number 1 is notice. Number 2, once we notice, is we want to investigate, investigate the cause. So what is going on? Sometimes that will be easy to notice because you'll feel the sadness or you'll feel the resentment, or you'll notice that there was a comment and you can follow that To feeling judged or feeling angry, or you'll be able to follow it. So we're just going to then ask, you notice, oh, my brain's offering to eat something even though I know I'm not hungry.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:07:46]:
What could it be? And you absolutely can guess. Often the reason I say that is because your guess is going to always be right. 95% of the time it's going to be right. There will be, especially if we notice closer and closer to when it's actually happening, You will know what is causing it. And that's really helpful. So then number 3 is address it. So number 1 is we notice the suffering. Number 2 is we investigate the cause.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:08:14]:
Number 3 is we address the cause. So if we're feeling betrayed, a friend did something and it can— and we can feel betrayed. internally by something so little. And all that means is that there was something when we were little that connected that feeling. We were triggered by something that seems little on the outside, but to us feels big. That's very valuable to know. And we're not going to blame ourselves or tell ourselves we're wrong in any way. We're just noticing.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:08:52]:
When we can notice our patterns, not only can we end emotional eating, but we will set ourselves free emotionally from everything that's triggering us. Because if we notice patterns, we can usually go back to something. And this is from Geneen Roth's idea of In Love Finally, this idea that— it's not her idea, but she spoke of it beautifully in her book. The idea that we made conclusions that were just wrong. When we were children. And of course children don't understand all the nuance and everything and emotional lives of other adults. So we've come to some very wrong conclusions that we made when we were little with our limited understanding, and we've carried them through. So when we start to see the patterns, we can release them and we live our life so much easier, so much less suffering.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:09:50]:
It's really valuable. This will get us there. This 5-step process will get us to noticing patterns. So 1 is noticing, 2 is investigating, 3 is addressing it. We're going to see if we can— if we investigate and we came to a conclusion, ah, I felt betrayed by a friend's comment. The addressing it, step 3, is, oh, that makes so much sense. So you're saying this to yourself, oh, I understand why that would be. Oh, given your growing up experience, I understand why that would bother you.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:10:37]:
So acknowledging, validating, seeing your experience As real and not crazy. We're not telling ourselves we shouldn't feel this way. That doesn't make sense. And your friend loves you. That's not what we're doing. We are acknowledging the difficult emotion that was triggered, that came up. We're investigating it and understanding it. And these can be very simple noticing.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:11:07]:
Oh, I noticed my brain wants an Oreo. Investigating. Oh, I remember having some tension in my body when my friend said that. Addressing it. I can understand. That makes sense. I'm there for me. And I can say, I'm okay.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:11:24]:
You're okay. She may not have meant it. I have a long friendship with her. I know she loves me. This doesn't mean— and it probably doesn't mean what I think it means, what I'm making it mean. We can just calm ourselves down because we are in a, would be in a suffering mode. When we address it, meaning we say to ourselves, oh, I understand why this would happen. This makes sense.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:11:49]:
You are okay. You're safe right now. Another thing I actually really love to do with this is, and of course all this can be in your head, right? You can do this in a moment, even with your friend standing right there. You also certainly can do this afterwards if you notice it afterwards. One thing I really like to do is put my hand over my heart and gently tap, like soothing. It's like a hug almost. I'm just lightly tapping on my heart. I think I've trained my brain about that.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:12:18]:
I think in general, that's a soothing thing. So you certainly don't have to do that. Whatever would be soothing, and there might be some movement that's soothing to you, but I have now, I am very soothed by this tapping. So I whip it out as often as I need it. And then, so that's 3. We're being there for ourselves. We're seeing and validating our experience and we're comforting ourselves. Sometimes the validating the experience is enough comfort.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:12:48]:
Sometimes the heart taps can be helpful. And number 4 is we notice the change that makes. So the noticing, the investigating, and the addressing it, Changes us, changes our state. Just like I was talking about eating food changes our state, it physically does, so does this. It changes the state we were in. We were in a fight or flight, and with this acknowledging and maybe the heart taps, we have changed the state. We have calmed our nervous system. We are different now.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:13:22]:
We can notice that change and notice that there's Space created. There's room for different thinking. You notice that you were there for yourself. That's very comforting to know that you always have your back. It's reinforcing the trusting relationship you're having with yourself. It's very calming. All that is very calming. And you're basically doubling down on the calm by noticing that you were there for yourself.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:13:52]:
And then step 5 is repeat as often as necessary. We're just going to keep doing that over and over again for every one we notice. Now we can go through this really fast. Notice, investigate, address it, notice the changed state we're in, and then repeat as often as necessary. We could do this very quickly, or when we're learning, we may take more time. There may be Things that are bigger that require more investigation, journaling, like a bigger excavation. All that works. These 5 steps work in whatever way works for you.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:14:32]:
Now the 2 examples I promised. Okay. The first one is I have a client who grew up with a mom who, and again, I use these examples because they're, Like universal with a lot of the people I work with and know. And anyway, experienced myself. Her mom dieted a lot and she was very vocal about the foods that she ate, but more vocal about the foods her daughter ate because the mother was so concerned with her own weight and issues with food. She Projected it onto her daughter and would constantly make comments about her food. So she was out to dinner with her mother-in-law, who is now on a GLP-1. And the way the mother-in-law is coping, it's like the first time the mother-in-law is losing weight.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:15:26]:
She's very conscious of all the things she's eating and she narrates what she's eating. Now she's not necessarily saying anything against my client's food. But it certainly is a similar setup to what my client grew up with. So my client is sensitive to feeling criticized about her food choices because of the way the mother-in-law is handling her own issues right now. Totally makes sense. We can see where that would come from. So the problem would be That the mother-in-law makes comments. My client takes it personally and would potentially overeat because she's rebellion eating.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:16:14]:
Oh, you're saying I can't have this food? Which of course she can remember, 'cause she's doing hunger scale. She can eat anything she wants and she's doing an amazing job of it. But all of a sudden when this situation comes, it feels different. And the rebellious Kid comes out saying, oh yeah, you think I can't eat this food? Watch me. And she's in danger of overeating because of this emotional dynamic. So all she has to do is notice the suffering. So the suffering there was her pattern of judging herself based on being triggered by what was going on there. And when we're judging ourselves, we can go into a whole bunch of— get stuck, but also destructive behavior.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:17:03]:
Again, these are big words for a tiny moment, but it's that same pattern. So she can notice that's triggering. She knows exactly where that comes from. It wasn't a huge leap to investigate it. And then she can address it. Oh, of course, this is coming because of your upbringing and your brain is primed to notice that and take things personally. And then we actually could investigate a couple of things. The mother-in-law didn't actually say anything about her food.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:17:33]:
So that's useful sometimes too. But even she was able to understand where that those feelings were coming from, tell herself it makes sense, acknowledge where she is now. She's safe. She's— Great with her food. She's great with the hunger scale. All of it is really good. And when she's able to be there, she can actually have room for compassion for her mother-in-law who's trying very hard to do something new for herself. And that opened up a channel actually really for connection between her mother— In-law and herself.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:18:16]:
They're doing it in very different ways, but my client understands how someone can get caught in that loop that she's in because it's very prevalent. And there can be some understanding there. Now there's no reason to rebellion eat. There's just, oh, that's right. I'm here for myself. I understand what's going on. I can eat using my hunger scale and all is well. That's one example.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:18:44]:
The second example is a client who has a toddler and is— was home with the toddler on a Friday night. Her husband was away. That can be a very challenging time. Everyone's tired and there can be Lots of feelings going on there. She had planned to have pizza. Amazing job with it. Ate 3 pieces when she was hungry, stopped when she was satisfied. Amazing.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:19:16]:
The voice came about half an hour later suggesting a 4th piece. And that she was not hungry for it. First, remember, we always check in. Are you still hungry? Because if you are, amazing. Nope. She was not hungry. That 4th piece, Was her brain, after we looked at it, dealing with the discomfort of the feelings she was having at the end of a week with a cranky kid and a cranky self. And the combo is just, does not feel good.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:19:47]:
It's the voice suggesting the 4th piece that was the place to notice. And then, and this one was also pretty straightforward to unravel. There were a lot of feelings there at the end of the week, feeling cranky, hard with the kid. Like there's a, it's very easy to find the uncomfortable feelings and then to soothe herself. It is hard. We are tired. This isn't what I wanna be doing right this particular second. And when we can acknowledge that, we remember we had number 4 is notice the space.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:20:30]:
There's space to be like, okay. This isn't working. Maybe we try something else. Maybe we would go outside. Maybe we play this game. Maybe I sing this song. Maybe next time I get help. There's so much more space.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:20:44]:
And then the voice of the 4th piece of pizza just goes away because we've addressed the root cause, the feelings that were uncomfortable. Once you feel validated from your own self, There's a calmness that comes and you can make any decisions from there. It's so much more powerful than getting in the self-blame spiral, judgment, stuck, only way out is eating. There's somewhere to go when we use these 5 steps. So when the brain offers up overeating, eating when you're not hungry, as a solution to emotions, hear it as a call for help. There's some suffering happening in some form and it needs your sweet attention. And the 5 steps to do it are notice the suffering. Number 2, investigate the cause.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:21:40]:
Number 3, address it. I understand, that makes sense, you are okay. Maybe even heart taps. Number 4, notice the change in your nervous system, in your state. The space, the room for different thinking, the acknowledgement that you were there for yourself. It's all very comforting. And then number 5, you repeat as often as needed. It may not be a one-off.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:22:06]:
This cycle of steps may need to be repeated, and that is no problem. And you'll get better and better, better at that. This will rewire not only your brain, but your whole nervous system. And emotional eating will be a thing of the past, truly. And then weight loss feels simple, so easy, and it's forever because emotional eating, no longer a problem. If you want help with this, I've got you. This is what we learned to do. So lose weight with me.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:22:40]:
Find me at stephaniefeinmd.com. There's a lose weight with me button right there, or I'm on Instagram @StephanieFeinMD. Until next week, I'm sending you so much love. Mwah.
