Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:00]:
Hello, fabulous. Dr. Stephanie Fein here with Weight Loss for Fertility. Why are we talking about beliefs in a show about weight loss? The title of this podcast is Toxic Positivity versus Belief Ladder. And we're talking about beliefs because weight loss happens with our thoughts first. This is a big change of the way most people think about weight loss because we think it's just about what we're putting in our mouth, but it's The behavior of putting things in our mouth, and the behavior is influenced by our feelings, which is influenced by our thoughts. That's cognitive behavioral theory. And that's what we're based on around here.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:45]:
To me, it's like gravity at this point, that thoughts create feelings, and feelings motivate actions. Actions get us the result. So that's cognitive behavioral theory. Thoughts create feelings, feelings motivate actions, actions produce results. And we've talked about it here as the model, CTFAR: circumstance, thought, feeling, action, result. I'll talk about that interchangeably, behavioral theory and the model, same thing. So if we want to change something like our weight, we have to change our behavior or our actions. And the way we do that in a permanent way, which of course is always the way I'm talking about weight loss.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:01:30]:
I only want weight loss that's going to be permanent because otherwise it's just a waste of time and we have yo-yo weight gain. That's not good for us either. So the— that's why we're talking about thoughts, because weight loss has to be permanent for it to be really effective. And the way we can have permanent action changes is by changing our thoughts. And then the feelings and behaviors follow easily. So a simple example that came to mind, because it's voting day today on the day that this airs, and remember to vote if you haven't already. If we think of ourselves as Republican, then we will vote for the Republican candidate. This is just general.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:02:14]:
You know what I'm talking about? If we think of ourselves, we just think I'm a Republican, then We likely will just go and vote for the Republican. If for some reason we changed our thinking, something happened, we talked to someone, and now we think of ourselves as a Democrat, we will likely vote for the Democratic candidate. And what I want to show you is look at how the behavior voting follows from the belief. I'm a Republican. I vote for Republican candidates. It's like, it flows. It's very easy. There's usually, with politics it can be, but the way I'm, this example I'm just thinking about, it's like an obvious thing.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:02:54]:
If I'm a Republican, I vote for Republicans. And I do realize that politics is, I'm just talking about this in the most generic way in the world, that it's a big change to go from Republican to Democrat. But if we do it, if we change, from Republican and we change our thoughts, our way of thinking, we see something different, then we're a Democrat, then it will be very easy to start voting for the Democrats. If I think of myself as a Democrat, I will vote for Democrats. That's how easy I want behavior change to be when we're losing weight. And it can be that way. It really can be like, oh, I'm someone who— And we're going to talk a lot about loving our body. And when we love our body, There are just behaviors that are very easy for us to do.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:03:43]:
And that's how I want it to feel. In fact, it has to feel that simple if it's permanent. This is why we're talking about the thoughts, because if we change those, the behaviors come easily. Diet culture in general has us doing things against our thinking, our will, our patterns. And it's difficult. And when it's difficult, we don't do it long-term. You may have experienced that with yo-yo weight gain. We lose weight, we gain it back, lose weight, we gain it back because it's not something that's a permanent change.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:04:18]:
We are looking for how to make it easy and permanent. And the way we do that is with our thoughts. That is why we are talking about that today because our thoughts lead to our behavior. So if we keep the same thoughts, we'll have the same behaviors. And if we want to lose weight, let's say, then we have to uncover the thoughts to see what they are now and then change the ones that would benefit from changing. Because if we change them, then the behavior will change, and not through force and effort. They will be very easy to change because our thinking will be different. Now we think It's estimated 60,000 thoughts a day.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:04:59]:
It's a lot of thoughts. And there are different ways to deal with different thoughts, big thoughts, little thoughts, all that. But today I want to talk about the concept of a meta thought, like these big thoughts. That's what we're going to talk about. I want to go back to the 60,000 thoughts a day. I've said this before, but I just think this is a powerful way to think about it. The brain is a thinking organ. It's like the lungs are a breathing organ and the heart is a beating organ.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:05:27]:
Its job, the heart's job is to beat. The lungs' job is to breathe. The brain's job is to think. So it just spits out thoughts. It's a, I'm just thinking of AI. AI just spits out combinations of words that it has, I don't even want to say learned, that it— Learned. Compiles. That's kind of what our brain does.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:05:53]:
And our brain has learned which ones motivate behaviors. This is an aside because I was just talking to a client about this. But if our brain urges our thoughts, so we will have a behavior if we keep eating the chips that are right next to us. We have a thought and it could be a very simple thought. Like, I want it. And when your brain thinks I want it, you grab the chips. So the brain has learned that pattern. The brain has learned when I spit the thought, I want it, she takes a chip.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:06:29]:
And why the brain would want you to do that is because it gets a dopamine hit and it loves a dopamine hit. When it has a dopamine hit, it knows it's safe. The brain's only objective is to keep you alive. And if you're dopamine-ing, you're alive. You're happily— you're not doing anything else but staying put. And staying put, the brain loves, because then it knows, oh good, we're alive now. If we stay doing this, we'll be alive longer. It's valuable to know that because there are so many thoughts.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:07:05]:
We're just going to pick out some of them. We can't possibly— Look at and see all 60,000, but the ones that cause the issues, the things we want to change, those are the ones we want to zero in on. So today we're going to look at a meta thought. What I mean by that are these sort of big ones. I can't do this. I hate my body. My body doesn't work. I chose them because I'm hoping you can see that a whole lot of things would change if we changed one of those thoughts.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:07:35]:
If in fact you believe those thoughts, and not everyone believes those thoughts, but I'm just using this as an example. If we believed, let's say, I hate my body, and we change to I love my body, you can see that you treat your body in a whole new way. If I hate my body is the thing that's running the show, there's a lot of actions that happen based on that thought. If we instead have a thought, I love my body, there are a whole Different set of behaviors that happen. So we don't have to deal with all the little ones if we get one of the big ones. That's part of what we do here, but this— I wanted to give this example because we're going to be talking about belief ladders in just a minute. Now this is exactly where you may have gotten lost before. If you've heard this idea of thoughts and thinking a different thought, what may have happened at this point is that someone just said, Start saying, I love my body.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:08:32]:
And voilà, you love your body. And you were like, yeah, but that doesn't seem to work. And you're right. It doesn't work. We can't just believe we hate our body, then say, I love my body and expect anything to change. That is the classic toxic positivity. And it's toxic because it rolls over the one ingredient we must have To make thoughts create feelings, which lead to actions. And that ingredient is belief.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:09:04]:
We must believe the statement in order for us to take action from it. So that whole model only works if we believe the thought we're thinking. So to be more accurate, believed thoughts lead to feelings, lead to actions. If we hate our body, just saying we love our body is going to do nothing. But piss us off because it's just blatantly untrue. And our brain will just argue with it and certainly not take any action from it. If we hate our body and we say we love it, our brain will just immediately say, no, I don't. I love my body.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:09:40]:
No, I don't. And that's the end of that. So what do we do if we want to love our body? We want to treat it more kindly, to be able to listen to it more, to honor its experience, But right now the predominant thought is, I hate my body, or something similar. We can use the belief ladder to loosen our thinking and get us moving in the more useful direction. That's what we're doing here today. That's the thing we're discussing, the belief ladder. In order to be able to use that and to move to a more useful thought, we first have to identify the thought that's causing the issues. Right.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:10:21]:
And we just we have to catch it in the act, basically. So if you don't know what the thought is, some of you may already know what the thought is. Maybe very obvious to you because you say it over and over again in your brain. It's a knee jerk reaction. You may have it right away. But if you're not sure what the thought is, you look for the thought that you're thinking when you're feeling angry or frustrated or extra in some way. For me, it's a tightness, or it could feel like. triggering.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:10:50]:
If you're very agitated, and especially for this body one, it could be like you're angry that when you looked in the mirror or you saw a picture or you were thinking something about your body, it, you may be able to catch it right there. You can catch it from the feeling because remember thoughts create feelings, create actions. If you sense the feeling, you can go back and find the thought. I hate my body does not feel good. It just does not. Even if you say it right now, I hate my body, there is, it may not be dramatic or really painful, but it's certainly a dis-ease is what I wanna say. There's a discomfort that comes with it. And right now, if we're believing that, saying I love my body will not produce the thing the calmness that you want, but that's where we're headed.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:11:46]:
We don't want to have a negative feeling because that will lead to behaviors that aren't useful. We want to get to a positive feeling, which is why we have to believe the thought. So first you identify the thought that's causing the issue. And once we have it, then we want to identify the direction we want to go. What is the thought you'd love to have? In this example that I'm talking about, it's I love my body. So right now that doesn't feel believable. So we start with something that does. And in this example of going from I hate my body to I love my body, my favorite is I have a body.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:12:29]:
So that's the thought between I hate my body and I love my body. We're using a ladder, so rungs. And these are believable thoughts that get us to movement and ideally to the thought we wanna think. I have a body is believable to most of us. And I love this example because it's very clear, right? I have a body. I can really get behind that. I do have a body and it feels so much better than I hate my body. It's very hard to argue with, I have a body.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:13:06]:
Now, what do we do with, I hate my body? What we want to do is we want to redirect our brain when it offers up, I hate my body. We do have to decide we're no longer thinking destructive thoughts about our body because they do not serve us. They feel terrible and they're of no use to us. They don't lead anywhere useful. So when our brain says, I hate my body, in whatever circumstances it usually says it, it will certainly offer you up that thought again. And what we can decide to do is not entertain that. And so all we say is, remember, we're believing it still. So we can't say, no, I don't, because we're still believing it.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:13:47]:
So we just say, I'm no longer going to speak that way to myself. That way we're not denying it, but we're saying we're drawing a line. That's not useful. I no longer want to think that. So I'm not thinking that anymore. And so it's 2 parts, right? It's deciding on the belief ladder. And then it's also drawing the line that we will no longer think things that are painful and not serve us. Now don't get me wrong, there are some thoughts we'll want to keep that are painful.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:14:23]:
This is not one of them because it's not useful. That's how we're going to think about it. So when the old thought comes, I hate my body, we're going to remind it that we no longer speak to it that way, and we're going to go to the believable thought. And in this case, it's I have a body. I have a body. Once we're comfortable with that thought, we have more access to thoughts that could help us. So from I hate my body, we didn't have access to a lot of other thoughts. But once we believe I have a body, we do have access to even better thinking thoughts.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:14:59]:
And the next one could be, I appreciate my body. So from I have a body, we have access to this, I appreciate my body. Thinking about it takes me places, the heart beats, the lungs breathe. I appreciate that it allows me to do my work and hug my, partner. And you know what I mean? Like that kind of thing. And once we've decided we're not going to think that I hate my body, which is a big step in this, and we can get behind I have a body, then the I appreciate my body is accessible. Then once we believe I appreciate my body, we can start to move to, for example, I love how my body does what I need it to do. Or I appreciate all that it's been through.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:15:48]:
When I think that thought, I appreciate all that it's been through, the feeling that I have is one of compassion for my body, which really to me is a sibling to love. So we're getting really close. If we can get to, I appreciate all that it's been through, we're generating a feeling of compassion and even love for our body at that point. So if we go from, I appreciate what my body does, to I appreciate all that it's been through, or even if you want, I love how my body does what it needs to do, we are getting very close to love. And depending, you might even be able to go from I appreciate all that it's been through to I love my body in this way of like a caring, body, an actual love for your body. And then we've arrived, right? I love my body. I have love for my body. And that when we believe that feeling is so much gentler, kinder, allows for so much more positive feeling and therefore positive action.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:17:00]:
Now this could take days, weeks, months, or it can literally take 10 minutes. Sometimes just investigating Negating a thought and working through the ladder has us believing something new that we thought we couldn't think. It's really remarkable. It all depends on our belief and our willingness to find thoughts we believe. I'm going to give you a couple other examples. So we have, I hate my body. I have a body. I appreciate my body.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:17:27]:
I care about my body. I love my body. That's just an example. You could have more or fewer Thoughts in there. 1, I'll never have a baby. 2, I'm doing what I can. 2, I have faith in my desire and resourcefulness. 2, I will have a baby.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:17:46]:
Can you feel that one? That how we move through it, it's finding the believable thoughts and moving with them. Believing that I'm doing what I can. Believing that I have faith in my desire and resourcefulness to build my family, I will have a baby. And then just another example, this is a frivolous one, but I can't write a book to I can write a book. I just wanted to give you an example of how this would work for action. The thoughts in between could be, I can't write a book to I've written smaller pieces of work before. I could learn to complete a longer one. I'm open to finishing a draft.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:18:32]:
I can finish a draft. I can write a book. In these examples, I'm showing you big and small these beliefs that we can go to when we believe these thoughts, and we craft the thoughts based on what we can believe, and then we move up. Our thoughts impact our behavior, so if we want to make permanent change, we have to feel That it's easy. Then we need to change any thoughts that are keeping us stuck. How do we do that without falling into the toxic positivity trap? We believe our thoughts and we use a belief ladder. And here are the steps, just as a recap. Identify the current thought.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:19:15]:
Identify the one you want to think or the direction you want to go. Decide you won't think the painful one anymore, and then come up with thoughts that are believable and moving in the right direction. It could be 2 or 10 thoughts in between, anything in between that. When you believe one, you move on to the next, and it will be easier to believe it once you believe the one before it. That's why it's a ladder. You're going moving up, up. That's it. It's so much easier to follow the hunger scale when we love our body.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:19:48]:
We don't want to treat it poorly and have it feeling uncomfortable. So it's easier to stop at satisfied, not full. We aren't forcing ourselves to restrict. We're taking actions that care for our body and our heart. And that's the weight loss for fertility way. If you want specific help with that, I am always here. I would love to work with you. Go to my website, stephaniefeinmd.com.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:20:13]:
Click the lose weight with me button. We will be connected. You can always find me for more fun tidbits on Instagram @stephaniefeinMD. And there's lots of back episodes of this podcast for you to listen to too. I am sending you so much love until next week. Mwah.
