Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:00]:
Hello, fabulous. It's Dr. Stephanie Fein here with weight Loss for Fertility. And I have a little story to start you off. Today I was in an office building, like, a drab office building, to be honest. And I was in the elevator going down, and a woman came in the elevator, and it was just the two of us. And as it was going down, she looked over and she said, oh, your hair is just shining in this light. It looks so beautiful.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:32]:
And it was such a lovely compliment. Like, it was completely out of the blue. It was delightful. Now, at this point, what occurs to me when someone gives a compliment is not that it actually has anything to do with me. Someone else could have been in that elevator and been looking and been like, her hair's not. Not sparkly. It's just hair. But what that compliment told me was that this woman has this tendency in her brain to find good, to find beauty, to find things that bring her joy.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:01:10]:
And then she also happens to express it, which is lovely. So not only does she have a good experience where she's noticing something that she thinks is pretty, she's expressing, saying it. And then she lifted my day, too. It was just a lovely little thing. So, you know, I thanked her and just had a, you know, that little, like, bounce in your step. Like, it doesn't make me think that my hair is particularly amazing, but it's just a sweet moment. And the door opens and she goes out and she says, oh, there's someone sitting on the bench. Your puppy is so sweet.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:01:44]:
Look at that puppy. And I just smile to myself. I'm thinking, that woman is having an amazing day. Now, this again, drab office building. Nothing amazing to me was happening until I saw this woman and noticed what her experience of her day is. She's walking around noticing beauty after sweetness after kindness after loveliness. She happens to be saying it out loud. But her internal experience is that when she gives compliments, it shows what she's thinking inside.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:02:23]:
It reveals what her brain is thinking and focusing on. And she's just looking around and seeing beauty and kindness and loveliness. And the nice thing about her, too, is that she happens to be spreading it. She's not keeping it to herself. When we speak, we show what's going on inside our brain. And we don't have to speak to show what's going on inside our brain to ourselves, because we're there with it, with ourselves. If we have a lot of negative self talk or just negative talk in general, not even to ourselves, just like it's a running commentary, we may find ourselves complaining and judging and comparing. And the problem with it is that it feels terrible.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:03:10]:
And it ranges from guilt and shame to sort of a low level hum of malaise. If we just have a running commentary of judging, comparing, complaining in our brain now, we come by it honestly. Actually. It's the way our brain is designed. It's designed to look for problems. And that was important because we had to look for dangers and then we had to figure out how to not die, really. And to some extent we still do that. But it's a much different world now than like caveman days.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:03:44]:
So the brain's designed to do that. But the brain is also designed with neuroplasticity, meaning we can change our brain. And that critical negative voice can be the reason for emotional eating, Particularly if we're not aware that this is happening inside our brain. We could be feeling this malaise or guilt or shame sort of all the time. And we try to drown out those thoughts which cause that feeling by distracting it for at least a little while by eating. That's sort of how we're solving the problem that we don't really know we have. We feel the feelings, but we may not know it's from the constant negative criticism and judging and complaining. The negative voice also makes it hard to change.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:04:39]:
And the brain doesn't particularly want us to change. If we're alive and functioning. It's like, good enough. That's all I care about. The brain doesn't care so much about the body, frankly, only insofar that it keeps it alive. So if you're not in danger, it's like, good, let's keep this how it is right now. So it does not want to change. Change requires effort.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:05:06]:
And the brain's job is threefold. To conserve energy, avoid pain, seek pleasure. So if we want to change that requires energy, the brain is going to say no, I think we should stay the way we are. Because it's effortful to have to overcome negative comments. It requires effort to rewire the brain, but the rewiring is so worth the effort for us here today, and certainly for weight loss. Not only will it ease the need for emotional eating if we rewire the brain, but it will help in the effort to change your relationship to food and eating. And most importantly, it gives us a better experience of being in our own skin, because that negative running commentary feels. And it makes it harder to lose weight and it makes it harder to feel better.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:06:12]:
So we're going to talk about how we rewire the brain. Here's how first, I wonder if you know what's first. If you've been listening to the podcast for a while, you will likely know that always, almost always, the first step is to notice. So first step is notice. First, we want to notice if we're having a lot of negative comments in our head. And this could be the reason that you're feeling dread or stress or frustration because we're having sort of constant negative thoughts or comments in our head. Our brain is really good at finding the ways that particularly annoy us, the things that are particularly difficult for us. It's had decades to figure out what works, what motivates us in terms of this is going to be backwards.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:07:07]:
It's motivating us to do nothing, keep us in our place. That's what the negative voice is designed to do. And in our brain's mind, it's keeping us safe. And that may in fact be the case. If we don't do anything, we just sit on the couch, you know, 24 7. We will stay alive for at least a little while, and we won't be expending energy. So in terms of the brain, great. But our life, we want different than that.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:07:36]:
And so we do need to expend energy. And it's easier to be motivated and do things if we're not fighting against our own negative brain. So the first thing we're doing is noticing our thoughts. The second thing we're doing is not judging ourselves if we find that we have negative thoughts. Again, our brain was designed this way, so this is not a problem that we're particularly bad at. This is just how the brain does. And especially if we haven't ever noticed our thinking before, it definitely will be that way. So we're not judging the fact that our brain may be doing this.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:08:16]:
We're just noticing. And then after we've noticed, we have not judged ourselves for it. We're going to deliberately make the connection between what we're thinking and how we feel. And you may recognize that as part of the model that I've talked about before. Episode 98 and episode 133. Go into that in more detail and I'll hook that up in the show notes. But the model is a way of organizing our thoughts around cognitive behavioral theory, which shows us that feelings come from thoughts, not the other way around. So we think a thought, and it creates a feeling in our body.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:09:11]:
Now, the brain thinks thoughts just like the heart beats. So you can't stop your heart from beating. I mean, you can, but it would Be permanent. So you know what I mean. The heart, it doesn't stop beating, it just beats. The brain just thinks thought, thought, thought, thought, thought, thought, thought. Just the thoughts come to you. So it's not that we can control the thoughts that come to us, but we can choose the ones to pay attention to and we can deliberately think some thoughts.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:09:46]:
And that can be helpful too. Byron. Katie always talks about this, and I've talked about it before too, to sort of prove this point. She says, okay, I'm gonna say a word and don't picture it banana. And then of course you picture banana, because that's what the brain does. And her point is, is that we don't choose the thoughts, we just think them. They are thought for us. And that is such an important point because we are then less apt to judge ourselves about it.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:10:21]:
This is just the functioning of the brain. It thinks thoughts. Just like the heartbeats, the lungs breathe, the brain thinks. And we are not in control of which thoughts come in all the time, but we can decide which ones we're going to focus on and which ones not. And to not judge ourselves for having thoughts that come through. We get to decide which ones we take action on. It's a really important point. So once we've noticed our thoughts not judged ourselves and we've made the connection between thinking and our feelings, we start to deliberately notice positive things.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:11:05]:
And we don't need to make them up. We want to find real things. We can use this to sort of imagine the goals we're going for. But that's not what we're talking about today. Today we're going to be talking about noticing positive things, the real ones that we're actually seeing and experiencing in our life right now. And they can be super small because remember, we're just retraining the brain to notice positive things. My elevator friend is a great example. She found shine in hair that she thought looked beautiful and then a cute puppy.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:11:41]:
These were just things easily seen around. I came up with a couple examples. Things that are like good luck or things going your way. Like green lights or a parking spot close to the clinic door in the morning or a good night's sleep. Noticing these things because occasionally they will happen, will wire the brain together of noticing something good going your way. You'll start to notice that things go your way. That's just a subjective idea. Things going your way.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:12:17]:
How many things need to go your way for you to be a good luck person? Well, when you start noticing more and more, you'll feel more and more lucky. You'll think of yourself more and more as a person, that things go your way. And that feels really good. So noticing those sorts of things can help in rewiring our brain towards positivity. And I don't mean Pollyanna positivity. I'm talking about real things that are actually happening that objectively are good. And we might as well sort of beef them up, think about them that way. It feels so much better.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:12:55]:
So there's things going your way. There's sort of lovely things, like a text from a friend or someone holding the door for you, or a bird song. Any kind of these. Nature is filled with them. Those are lovely things. And then things that you're proud of. The fact that you notice the birdsong could be one of them. Or that you successfully use the hunger scale.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:13:15]:
Eating a meal when you're just hungry and stopping when satisfied, not full. If that's something you're practicing and you're doing it, you're getting it. It's amazing. Each time you do that or even try it, that's a positive. That's a thing to be proud of. All of this is a training. The more you notice, the more you'll notice. That's how it works.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:13:35]:
It's like a positive spiral. And we just keep noticing. Notice the little things. And it will be amazing what you'll start to notice. Like, oh, my fingernails are growing, like, in a pretty way that you like. I always think of nature things, but it can meld into the gratitude, you know, like, the Internet's working. That's so amazing. And, you know, my body is healthy and strong and able to walk down the hall, all those sorts of things.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:14:07]:
Anytime you're noticing something that has you feeling good, that's something we want to keep thinking and keep looking for. Even in the midst of hard circumstances, you can find something neutral or positive to focus on. Now, this is nuanced because I'm not talking about being Pollyanna or avoiding hard things. This is real, like, really looking for good things. And there's an important reason to do that. But first, I wanted to mention that Mr. Rogers. Mom told Mr.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:14:42]:
Rogers when he was a small boy to look for the helpers. When there was something on the news, like a crash or something that was scary for little Mr. Rogers. His mom calmed him or helped him by suggesting that he look for the helpers. That there are always. When there's something terrible that happens, there are always people helping. And that's both a good training and a way to calm the Scared or overwhelmed part of us. It worked for the little boy, but it can work for the little person inside of us too.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:15:21]:
In a tragedy, there is always something available to you. That does not mean you have to do it or spend all your time or ignore the hard parts. It's just that there are some things that will lighten the load. It's not denying that something hard is going on, but it's to show us the best. Both and of life, you know, both and of life. It can be hard and the nurse was gentle. It can be sad. And your partner's hand feels good in yours.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:16:02]:
It can require effort and you feel proud. The more we show our brain, it's not all or nothing, but both and the easier it is to get through. Again, not denying that there are hard things, but it's not purely hard. Just like with the helpers, it will be amazing, the show of love you'll get from a friend or even a stranger from your partner. There will be love, a little lightness in the difficult time. And that is so important because all or nothing is always a lie. It's both. And.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:16:49]:
And the more we show that to our brain, the easier it will be to get through life. Weight loss, fertility treatments, everything. So as a little recap, a brain filled with positive thoughts feels better than when filled with negative thoughts. Without attention, our brain tends towards the negative. But we can rewire our brain to default to better feeling thoughts. And we do that by noticing, not judging, and then deliberately choosing positive and true. They have to be true thoughts more often. Complimenting others is optional, but you will feel better inside your own skin when you're noticing the positive things.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:17:42]:
Also, I wish you elevator lady days. She was just so happy. She surrounded herself by lovely things. And I was standing in the exact same position and I was not having nearly as good a day as she was. She did change my mind, and now I hope she's changed yours too. I'm sending you so much love. And this impacts weight loss indirectly, directly, and makes the process so much easier. And that's what I'm here for, always is making the process of weight loss so much easier and sustainable, which this definitely would.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:18:29]:
Rewiring the brain is last, can last a lifetime. We'd have to keep it up, but it would point you in the right direction and make things feel much easier. If you want help with it, I'm always here to help you. @stephaniefeinmd on Instagram and LinkedIn. On stephaniefeinmd.com you can click the lose weight with me button and we will be connected. I'm sending you so much love until next week.
