Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:00]:
Hello, fabulous Dr. Stephanie Fein here with weight loss for fertility. And we are talking about guilt today. Guilt feels terrible. I really dislike guilt, I will tell you, and I'm a recovering generalized guilter. We'll get a little more into that in a little bit. But I'm on a mission to extinguish inappropriate guilt everywhere I find it, and it's in a lot of us. Inappropriate guilt is when we feel guilt for anything other than a moral compass issue, like a moral code issue.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:37]:
So if we steal and we believe people shouldn't steal, then it's appropriate to feel guilt. That's fine. Adults usually know pretty clearly when they have crossed this line. But guilt helps us remember if we forget. So it has its uses. The problem is when we feel guilty for every little thing. And that's the generalized guilt I was referring to. And you can see this all over.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:01:06]:
This can be when we say no to something, we feel guilty for causing an emotion in someone else, even though we didn't want to do the thing and they were just asking us if we would. It was a genuine question, would you be interested in coming to this thing? The answer is no, I would not be interested in coming to that thing. But we can feel guilty and we get into people pleasing and guilt is a huge driver in that we want to avoid that bad feeling because as said at the beginning, guilt feels terrible. Another example of generalized guilt is this idea. If we bump into someone by accident, so we accidentally bump into someone, we can apologize, understand that we made a miscalculation or a mistake, but we don't have to feel guilty about it. We can just take responsibility and repair and move on. There's a big difference between feeling guilty about an error and knowing that we made a mistake and doing the things that are needed to repair it that can be done without the guilt. Now, just as an aside, that's the difference between remorse and guilt.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:02:24]:
So guilt can be more about feeling bad, about doing something wrong, sort of internally. While remorse involves feeling sorry for the harm that we caused and wanting to make things right. So remorse has a more productive, I would argue, cleaner feeling, like, oh, I see, I did something I didn't want to do, could have been an accident. If it's on purpose, that's a slightly different thing. But we realize we cause harm and we want to make things right for the other person. Guilt has us dwelling on the wrongdoing and focused on ourself, while remorse can motivate actions to repair the damage. Guilt just has a saying, oh, I'm an awful person. Terrible, terrible, terrible.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:03:15]:
Ruminating, ruminating, feeling bad, spiral. Remorse is more productive. And I would argue that that's what we're looking for when a mistake happens is remorse, not guilt, particularly if we do something without intention. So the example of generalized guilt, of course that I want to focus on here, is about food. Because food, no matter the type, is not a moral issue. We decide to eat or not eat foods. We're grown ups, so we get to make that decision. Now there's a teeny caveat here is if you're eating something illegal, then that would be potentially a appropriate feeling of guilt.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:04:07]:
I don't know what would be illegal, but there could be illegal foods. And if you're a vegan for moral reasons and you end up eating meat, that could be guilt. But that's not what we're talking about. I'm talking about Cheetos, cake, cookies, chips, all that sort of thing. That is not a moral issue. Ch Cheetos are not a moral issue. I want to show you that vilifying foods actually has us eating more of it, not less. Guilt leads to overeating.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:04:37]:
If we remove the concept of guilt from food, we decrease the chance of overeating it and we generally feel better because guilt feels terrible. Now one way that guilt can lead to overeating is when we feel bad because guilt feels terrible. We want to comfort ourselves and we eat more food. We overeat food. I'm not actually even talking about that. That is a direct way that when we are feeling guilty and we have a prolonged feeling of guilt, depending on what, what it is we feeling guilty about, this wouldn't necessarily be our food choice, but it could be. If we're feeling guilty, it can lead to overeating because we want to comfort that terrible feeling. That is one way that guilt can lead to overeating.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:05:30]:
That's not even the one we're going to be talking about here, but that is one way. And so by eliminating guilt, we're eliminating that. And remember, remorse is a more productive, directly actionable feeling. It repairs the situation. So something happens. If you feel remorse, you're moved to action and you repair the situation. That's productive. Feeling guilty and spiraling, not productive, and can lead to overeating for comfort.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:06:07]:
But that aside, the way that guilt can lead to eating more is that we're thinking we shouldn't have this. The thought is I shouldn't have this particular food. We've labeled the food as bad. And as an aside, it's so interesting because We've labeled certain food as bad but also good because it's tasty, right? So I'm just. For some reason Cheetos are in my head. Cheetos are good. I'm putting air quotes around that because we're referring to taste and they're bad. Again, air quotes because we think it leads to weight gain, but it doesn't.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:06:52]:
It's neutral. If we have some Cheetos with our lunch, that does not necessarily mean we're going to gain weight, but we've labeled it bad and I shouldn't be eating this. And then this is what happens. We want. We're saying it's bad and that we shouldn't have it, but we want it. So now we've set up this tension. We want it and we're grown ups so we can have it, but we're telling ourselves it's bad and we shouldn't. So we feel guilty about it when we eat it.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:07:29]:
And what do we do when we feel guilty about eating something? Really put yourself in this situation. This is what usually happens. If we're feeling guilty about something we have labeled as bad, we often will eat it quickly so no one will take it away and we sort of eat the whole thing. Like the image that's coming to mind is like inhaling it, like hoovering it, like just eating it very fast. We can also rebel against that voice that's telling us we shouldn't eat it or it's bad so we actually eat more. Because we're being rebellious against that voice. Because that voice is a lie, that it's bad or we shouldn't have it, we can have it. We're a grown up and we can make a decision to have it.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:08:14]:
So it's a. There's a tension within ourselves. And if we're the type of person who rebels against that, then we're going to eat more. If we're trying to do it quickly so that we don't have to feel bad in the moment, we just sort of inhale it. Or we can say I deserve it in this sort of righteous voice. And we feel we have to justify being able to eat something we want. Again, sort of a little aside, we don't earn food. We deserve everything because we're a human on this planet.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:08:48]:
We don't need to earn the right to have certainly a certain type of food. I go into more of this in episode 78, I deserve it. So these are at least three ways that feeling guilty leads to overeating. So it's the thought Feeling combo of I shouldn't or it's bad, which creates the guilt. Remember, thoughts create feelings. So a thought like I shouldn't or it's bad creates the feeling of guilt. If we didn't think we shouldn't, if we didn't have that feeling, if we just had decided to have the bag of Cheetos and didn't feel guilty about it, then we're free to enjoy the food. We, we can taste it, we can go slowly, we can eat it as part of our meal.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:09:42]:
If we're not feeling guilty, we can slow down. We can be curious when there's space there, when the guilt isn't there and we don't have to rush or rebel or any of that sort of thing, then we can just be curious about how it tastes, about tuning into our bodies because we use the hunger scale around here, so now we're tuning in. Are we still hungry? We can tune into how our body feels with this food. We might be noticing others around us. Maybe we're more apt to share our food because when we're feeling guilty and we're acting in the way we do, eating quickly, rebelling or justifying, we're focused on ourself. And if we're not feeling guilty, we're just part of. If we're with others, we're part of the group. We're just eating, enjoying, connecting.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:10:36]:
And so that gives us space to do that with the food. We can take a breath if we're not feeling guilty, and we may even eat some and put it down, take a bite of the other food that's on our plate. It doesn't become an obsession for us because now it's just part of the food that we're eating in this meal. And then we can ask, are we still hungry? What number on the scale am I right now? These are all available to us. When we're not vilifying the food, there's actually space to say to ourselves, do I want more? And the answer may surprise you because it seems like, oh, I never allow myself to have, you know, Cheetos. And so of course I want to eat the entire thing. But really, if you're having it with lunch and you're taking your time and you're seeing when you're hungry, you may only eat some. And then you could decide, what are you going to do with the rest? When are you going to have those? All these questions are available to us.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:11:43]:
If there's no guilt involved, I'm wondering if you can feel the difference like a Same situation, one in which we vilify, say it's bad food and I shouldn't have it. And then the same food with the energy of I want that, it's yummy. To me, it's part, it's an okay part of my meal. It's a completely different experience. And so we want to be able to get to that place. We want to be able to think of food, all food, as neutral. Food is food. You either like it or you don't.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:12:25]:
It's neutral. And that depends on you. And you get to decide because you're a grown up so you can decide what you want to eat. There's no should and shouldn'ts, even in weight loss. Because when we're following the hunger scale, we are eating when we're hungry and stopping when we're satisfied. Whatever it is that you decide to eat in the middle. I do recommend having protein because that lasts longest, but not solely so. If you have protein and you have other things you're enjoying, Amazing.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:12:58]:
That's beautiful. That will work. When we use the hunger scale, we usually can't have huge amount of food because we will get full and overfull. We will overeat when we're listening to the signals in our body. We will not overeat when we stop at positive 2. Remember, the scale goes from negative 5, which is empty, to positive 5, which is completely, hideously uncomfortable. Undoing our pants. We want to be eating at negative 2, which is just hungry, not the first whiff of hunger, that's negative one, but just hungry.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:13:40]:
And we want to stop at positive two, which is satisfied, not full. That's possible when we eat, when we're just hungry and not over hungry. So when we can listen to those signals, we're eating the amount of food that works for our body. And what we eat can be what we want. And what the hunger scale does, I'll always remind you of this, is have us tuning into ourselves and we start to notice all sorts of things. Feelings, thoughts, the way that food makes us feel. It gives me a stomachache, it gives me a headache, it makes me feel energized, it makes me feel light. You know, there's all different kinds of feelings and foods may be similar in people, but may not.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:14:25]:
Some people can feel totally fine on dairy, some people don't. Some people can tolerate gluten, some people can't. It depends on your very own body. And you get to learn that when we're using the hunger scale to checking in. One more thing. We can check in on is the guilt. Are we saying a food is good or bad? Are we saying we should or shouldn't? Those are arbitrary fake rules that set us up for guilt, which leads to behaviors that have us overeating. In order to get rid of the guilt, we want to think of food as neutral, just a decision.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:15:05]:
And then with that, you're free to have the curiosity and attention to notice your hunger scale. How things feel. Being present when you're eating allows you to be checking in with yourself and how your body's feeling. Checking in with the people you're connected to if you're eating with others or the environment that you're in. We want eating to be a present pleasant experience. I kind of like that. A present pleasant experience. When we have that we have what we need to eat when we're hungry and stop when we're satisfied.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:15:48]:
And that will have us losing weight every time. So as our recap, guilt is counterproductive in weight loss label. Labeling food as bad creates guilt, which leads to overeating. Thinking of all food as neutral is the answer. Food is just a decision that you're making because you're a grown up and it frees you up to be curious and pay attention to notice your hunger scale so that you can eat when you're hungry and stop when you're satisfied, not full. You'll also be free to notice how that food feels in your body and from there make decisions in the future about choosing it again or not. All while losing weight and feeling better. Not because you're losing weight, but because the guilt is gone now and that feels so much better.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:16:47]:
Present pleasant eating experience will help you lose weight every time. Time. That combined with the hunger scale, it's a winning combination. If you want help with this, I'm always here to do that. You can reach out to me. @StephanieFeinMD on Instagram or LinkedIn or StephanieFeinMD.com There's a button there, a green button. You just press it and we'll be connected and we can talk about working together. I am sending you so much love.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:17:18]:
If you have any questions also you can go to that website StephanieFeinMD.com I I'm happy to answer them all. Sending you love. Mwah!
