Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:00]:
Hello, fabulous Dr. Stephanie Fein here with Weight Loss for Fertility. And we're talking about how to get things done, how to move forward. Because in weight loss, there's so much stop and start. That's what yo yo dieting is, right? We stop and we start. How do we make consistent progress? And when we do make consistent progress, what we're doing is we're creating a permanent change. And when we do that, we get to not only lose the weight, but keep the weight we want to be. And so I'm always talking to you about ways we're doing that, because that's all we do in weight Loss for fertility is permanent weight loss.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:00:44]:
It's weight loss as you're trying to conceive when you're pregnant, if that's what you need. And then afterwards, so you will have the tools to do to. To be the weight you want during all phases of life. And that's such an important point to me. It can't be any other way, because losing weight for a couple minutes, it just is painful. Actually, I'm gonna talk to you even more. It actually can be damaging. Okay, so let's get into it.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:01:13]:
The trick to getting things done, to moving forward, is B minus work. That's the title of the episode, too. B minus work. And now B minus work, which is what we're going to talk about today, is another way to think about the gray zone. I've talked about all or nothing thinking before. Black or white thinking. So gray zone is in between. All black or all white, Gray.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:01:42]:
All or nothing thinking is the same thing. This is what we're referring to. And it's the thing that keeps us stuck because we're either doing something perfectly or not at all. That's the black or white. That's the all or nothing, perfectly or not at all. And of course, perfectly is A plus. Not at all is failing. B minus is not A plus.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:02:10]:
Let's talk about it a little. When we're doing it all or nothing perfectly or not at all, one end is too overwhelming. Doing something perfectly is not human. So it can be very overwhelming. And if we're doing nothing, then that's ineffectual also. So most of the time, we're left with doing nothing. Because if we're doing it all and we can get resentful and we can feel defeated because it's just too much. Doing it perfectly, doing every little bit of whatever it is we're trying to do is not human.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:02:43]:
Like, humans can't do that. And so we end up Doing nothing, which of course is the other side, right? So we could start off doing nothing, or we could start off doing perfectly and end up doing nothing, because perfect is impossible. And the problem is when we're trying to do it perfectly, we're getting resentful and feeling defeated again because perfect is not real. So we end up going to the other end, which is doing nothing. But it's worse because now we've shown ourselves that we've failed, that we're terrible, that there's something wrong with us. And what we've done now is damage the relationship we have with ourselves because we've told ourselves we're going to do it. We've required that we do it perfectly, and then we don't because we're not perfect. All humans are not perfect.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:03:37]:
No human is perfect, I should say. And then when we expected that and we didn't deliver that to ourselves, we've now damaged the relationship with ourselves. We've wanted ourselves to do something it was not fair to ask, but we've failed at it. And so now we have less trust in ourselves. And the truth is, not only do we have less trust in ourselves because we've tried to do something and we didn't fulfill the thing we've tried to do, but we've been harsh and mean to ourselves in the process. Usually when we're expecting some perfection, we are harsh about getting ourselves to do it. And then if we're falling short, we are mean to ourselves about it. I call it a beat down because that's what it always felt like to me when I did it to myself.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:04:29]:
Just haranguing like constant stream of meanness in the form of trying to motivate me, which I suppose it did for a little while, but it would always be disappointed because I couldn't do what it wanted me to do. And I can laugh now about it, but it was not funny. It was very painful. And like I said, it's damages the relationship we have with ourselves and then we further hurt the relationship we have with ourselves. Meaning we are more reluctant to try again. So we've tried, but we've demanded perfection. We couldn't deliver that. And we've treated ourselves harshly in the meantime.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:05:15]:
And now we're scared, rightly, to try again because we don't want another beat down. So we inch more towards the nothing when we demand perfection. And you can see the setup is terrible, right? Because then we're totally stuck and frozen because we just won't try anything and we can't get anywhere New if we can't go forward. And traditional diets are the perfect example of this, where we get motivated. We saw something on social media and we're going to cut everything out. Whole30 is such a good example of this. Like, you cut just everything out. You clean your pantry, your fridge, you're going to start on Monday, you're going to wake up at five in the morning and exercise every morning, even though you haven't been exercising at all.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:06:07]:
And that is just. It's too much. If we don't do all of that we set up, then we're doing it wrong. That's what we're telling ourselves. I'm putting that in air quotes. And we won't get all the results that we can. If we do it all, we should get all the results. But the problem is no human can do that.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:06:26]:
But especially with, like social media, we think people are doing that and we can again continue to use it as a weapon against us and damage the relationship we have with ourselves. The thought of easing into change just doesn't feel okay because then we're not getting maximal benefit is how we think about it. But maximal benefit is not possible because we're human. And that's where this B minus work can feel like a hard sell. Except it's the most obvious important thing to consider. Because even if we thought that doing it perfectly is the way to go, it's not possible. And especially when it comes to dieting. I know you've experienced that because you've tried to do it perfectly and you may have pulled it off for a period of time, but it's impossible to do it permanently.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:07:35]:
And when we're talking about weight loss, we want permanent weight loss. We don't want two months of weight loss and then gain it back. That is very defeating and again jeopardizes the relationship we have with ourselves. So gray zone B minus work is the answer. I'm going to try to convince you of that some more. It's hard to stand the thought of easing in to something like weight loss, of doing only some of it, because then it's not perfect and it's an example of B minus as opposed to A plus. And for those of us who are very used to getting A pluses, the idea of getting B minuses is painful. We're trained to get A, so the thought is very difficult.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:08:31]:
It goes against our soul, but it is literally the only thing that leads to permanent weight loss. Getting good at B minus work means that you're free to try things this the setup of A minus or failing. That whole idea sets us up to not try, to not be okay with giving it a shot, to seeing what happens. Getting good at B minus work means we're free to suck at something and not beat ourselves up for it. We're free to make mistakes and learn from them. And really, this is the only way to actually learn something permanent. And a couple examples coming to mind. When I learned mandolin.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:09:22]:
I've talked about learning mandolin before or even a dance routine. And this is as an adult, I'm thinking about adult learning in particular, because you actually have to do these things like the mandolin or a dance. You actually have to try it first. You have to physically do it and it will sound or look terrible, but we have to keep trying it in order to get better. We have to figure out what works for the mandolin, how the fingers feel, where did I put my hands, how hard to strum, the timing, how not to hit the other strings, moving from one chord to another. All that I had to actually do. I couldn't just watch a YouTube video or even with my teacher telling me I had to sit there and try it. And let me tell you something, it sounded terrible, but.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:10:12]:
But with practice it got better and I was willing to. And same with a dance routine that you're learning, like finding out if your body can even move that way, or if you have enough strength to do the leap or to do the push off or to put your hip that way. We have to literally try it out and then if we can't do it in the beginning, then we practice it. So we're letting ourselves do it imperfectly in order to get better. That's exactly what has to happen with our food. This podcast is such a good example of B minus work, by the way. If I didn't let myself do B minus work, you would have not heard one episode and there's 161 of them. Even this episode is going to be I'm going to consider it B minus, meaning there's always ways I could have done better, spent more time do.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:11:07]:
But if I. I don't get what I want to tell you out of my mouth, no matter how it happens, as long as it's coherent in some way, then that's to me considered B minus work. And I'm getting it out there and having it be out there 161 times is so much more valuable to people who need it than silence. So when it comes to weight loss, permanent weight loss, we have to be willing to try and to be doing it not perfectly. And again, with weight loss, it's particularly challenging because we've tried the all or nothing technique before. And we think it works because, like I said, it does temporarily. But our goal is a permanent weight loss now. It's not a temporary weight loss.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:12:03]:
And so we have to learn how to do it differently. Differently than how we're doing it now. If we're at a weight now that we aren't happy with, in order to have a weight we want, we have to do things differently. But I will tell you right now that any beating ourselves up is not going to work. And the reason it doesn't work is because it feels terrible. And then we're scared to try. So we're hobbling ourselves by not letting ourselves try things. And some examples of trying things are like eating in a restaurant.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:12:39]:
I talk a lot about the hunger scale. We have to figure out the hunger scale for ourselves. So we're going to see, oh, I ate this much. Oh, that was a positive three. I wanted to eat to a positive two. Oh, now I understand how it feels we're messing up if that's how we want to think about it all the time. But you will lose a lot of weight if you do B minus work with the hunger scale. It absolutely does not have to be perfect in order for it to work really well.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:13:11]:
And practicing it, allowing yourself to be not perfect at it, is the thing that gets you better and better at it. That's not like a revelation. That's just the way things work. But we can't even get ourselves to the point of practicing it if we're so afraid. Afraid to not do it perfectly. And again, we come by that honestly, we have beat ourselves up for not doing weight loss perfectly before. There are very few people who haven't been through the yo yo. And if we've been through the yo yo, chances are there's been some unkindness, some harshness in how we see ourselves, what we're expecting of ourselves, how we treat ourselves when we do something we weren't intending on doing when it comes to food and weight loss.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:14:03]:
And that ultimately ruins the relationship with ourselves, which means we cannot move forward. Also, it feels terrible. And strengthening the relationship with ourselves. And that requires being kind. And understanding means that we can rely on ourselves in the future. It really is like a bigger picture idea and why it leads to permanent weight loss. So working with the hunger scale, ordering things in restaurants, trying splitting meals, trying taking them home, trying to leave some on the plate, and maybe that is challenging, but we have to give it a try and see what's hard about it. When we try it, we then expose the weaknesses, expose the parts, the thoughts often that we're thinking that keep us stuck.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:15:00]:
So if we don't try, if we're not willing to try, then we won't find the problems, the issues that we need to examine and resolve. Trying different breakfasts let's say when I have more protein, what does my hunger feel like? Does it last me long enough? Do I have time to make it in the morning? What are lunches look like? Do I have time for this? Do I get prepared food? Do I make it myself? What are my expectations for myself and what is realistic? Do I expect? That everything is organic and made at home and maybe that can work and maybe we find that it can't, that the timing does not work for us, the expense does not work for us. We do the best we can with what we have. And as we do that with kindness and compassion for ourselves, we can have a new standard for ourselves and then we can tweak that. We have to start somewhere, move forward, and then as we move forward, we can see where that takes us. If we're willing to do B minus work, not do it perfectly from the start, that expectation is not only unrealistic, but detrimental to the relationship we have with ourselves. I've done podcasts about trying to change where I sit for eating my lunch from the couch and to the table, and that did not go perfect. My willingness to do it not perfectly is what allowed me to do it.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:16:44]:
And now I'm so happy to say I sit at the table very easily. It makes such a difference, I can't even tell you. Doing B minus work when we're thinking about not beating ourselves up anymore. What I mean by that is it would be amazing once we thought of I'm not going to beat myself up anymore, to stop it immediately. And sometimes we can do that. We can just make a rule. But even then, if we make a rule for ourselves, the voice will definitely be there. Because we're in the habit of being harsh with ourselves when it comes, we're not surprised.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:17:26]:
We just meet it with compassion. So again, it's depending on how you're defining it. It wouldn't be A plus like it's perfect. I never have another harsh word to say to myself. It's B minus in that it comes and you handle it. You figure out different ways of doing ends up moving you forward. If you're willing to try different things Try things that may not work. Maybe they will, maybe they won't.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:17:53]:
But we're not going to beat ourselves up for trying things. This allowance, this allowing yourself to do less than perfect work, being proud of the trying rather than the perfection of it, that is what gets you to permanent weight loss because it allows you in a safe environment. And we have to make sure that it is. And you will know it because you'll hear the harsh voice. And then we know that's not as safe. So we create it safe by meeting those harsh words with love. Oh, I expected you. I know.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:18:40]:
We're changing how we're talking to ourselves. We're doing it a different way. Thank you for reminding me how we used to do it. We're doing it a different way. Talking to ourselves like that is shaping it. So again, we're not doing all or nothing. We're in that gray zone, in that B minus. And that is where the freedom comes lies.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:19:06]:
I would love to know what questions you have about this. What does it feel like to hear B minus? I know when I first heard it, oh my goodness, it's. It was painful to hear. And now I embrace it with everything I have because it gets me what I want. And the A didn't. Now, of course, the trick was A used to get me what I wanted, right? In school we're taught to get the A pluses and that we get further ahead because the A pluses lead to better schools and better grades and better this and better that. It's not the case after school. In order to get the things you want in your life, B minus works so much better than A.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:20:02]:
So please let me know what you think about this. I would really love to know. Contact me @stephaniefeinmd on Instagram or LinkedIn. You can DM me always or you can go to stephaniefeinmd.com on the website. You can contact me there. And if you want help with weight loss and getting better at doing it with B minus work and strengthening the kind relationship you have with yourself, I'm always here to help you do that. That is my favorite thing to do. You just click the Lose wait with me button on the website and we will be connected.
Stephanie Fein MD [00:20:37]:
I am sending you so much love until next week.
